Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thinking outrageously, I write in cursive, I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor... Oh, I am not quite sleeping. Oh, I am fast in bed. There on the wall in the bedroom creeping, I see a wasp with her wings outstretched.
Last night was one of the few nights I think I might have actually slept. Perhaps it was the way I rolled; inducing some strange deep sleep with my feet tucked just right, with my mouth only slightly open, and with the wooden frame jutting into that space where my waist should be. My dreams were far from pleasant, but not enough to wake me. I appreciate it so much that I ended up sleeping in, and being 15 minutes late out the door. Luckily, that means I was at work on time.
Another sizable success at GLSEN today! I know I keep reporting this, but the fact of the matter is that I've been assigned 6 states to deal with, and for whatever reason I'm just natural for it. Maria and I joke that perhaps we're not Project Runway, but instead True Blood: I seem to possess some sort of glamour (as in the affect Vampires have on people), which induces even the most apathetic and unconcerned voice to guide me to what I need.
"I don't want to help you, but I feel compelled to. I must give you what you want," Maria and I joke when an older man from Arkansas hands over the goods.
I suppose that makes sense: I'm tall, thin, and pasty -- and I have sharp canines. However, I think it's the sharp tongue that does the trick! Naive, yet assertive. Passive, yet... aggressive. I am Diana, and these are my game!
In all actuality, my biggest revelation today was that perhaps I am growing up. I told Jake earlier that I felt as if I am perceiving myself differently, and feel that others are seeing me as more mature and acclimated to life. I still feel silly, goofy, and foolish -- and I still laugh like a child. I'm still fascinated by bugs, and I love to eat cookies. I feel like I've balanced simplicity and complexity very well: Innocence and experience seem to fit hand in hand. I wonder what the draw backs to this dynamic are.
I left work early (30 minutes late), and trained to The CENTER again to meet and have myself a good ole' orientation. I ended up reading the latest issue of the advocate and playing a swell game of taboo. Though I don't think I made a lasting impression or any solid friendships, the mere presence and ability to laugh and be open with other LGBT youth was such a treat. I'm so thankful to have a real place to go. Tomorrow, I'm going for a real orientation, and then I'm going to Rated Q: Queer Youth Movie Night. The special guest is Jack, from Project Runway, who was the first openly HIV positive person on the show. Unfortunately he had a staff infection, and dropped out of the competition.
This will be the first HIV positive person that I've met and identified their HIV status. I'm excited, yet I feel bad because I have a twinge of nervousness. I know that's wrong, but I'm looking for that anxiety to dispel tomorrow when I see how amazingly normal he is.
I've also been invited to the beach on Saturday by YES. I think it will be nice.
** MAKE BROWNIES. THINK THAT YOU RUINED THEM. SURPRISE YOURSELF WITH PERFECT BROWNIES.
** SLEEP IN A BED.
** BEAST AT TABOO.
** MAKE LIGHT OF A STRESSFUL SITUATION.
** DWELL ON THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE ARE JUDGING YOU.
** HAVE A LAUGHING FIT ON THE SUBWAY WHILE READING THE ONION.
** ASK TO PLAY TABOO IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE.
** PRETEND TO BE ALLERGIC TO FOOD YOU DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF PAYING FOR IT.