Hard Work Helps

Tuesday, July 22

Put a hole in the ground just to bury your poor uncle. Let him settle down, gettin' ready for the savior. If his heart is light as a feather he'll just float right in. It's a shame it's heavier by the burdens of his sin.

I'll tell you this: California is being presented with an alternative! I found a resource that will allow us to have a rather significant portion of the information we need for the school districts, and therefore the remaining information will not be nearly as much of a hassle to deal with. This is exciting!

GLSEN had it's monthly all staff meeting today! We heard from Community Initiatives about Camp GLSEN and how amazing it apparently was. The idea was to train a national intergenerational team to enter their community to start a plethora of localized JumpSTART teams; it's something that East Tennessee GLSEN is going to debut with (hopefully!). Next we heard from Communications about Sirdeaner Walker testifying on behalf of the Safer Schools Initiative Act. Her story and compelling testimony enchanted the congress people, and had a few of us in the office tearing up: http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/news/record/2449.html.

It struck me how important GLSEN is to the lives and support of LGBTA youth around the nation. Though at times our struggles with GSA or Spectrum Activities may seem futile and wasted, I know that just by providing a space, by existing, we are what makes the difference for some young people. Many youth feel isolated and alone; a presence and visible charter of folks can be what saves that child from self-destruction or violence from others. We have to keep working! I'm going to keep working.

After my day at GLSEN was over, I trained to the Center to meet George for the last time: he'll be on a plane tomorrow for Myrtle Beach. We stayed for a discussion group around Gender and Gender Identity; it eventually turned into a slight argument about whether the term Metrosexual is derogatory or not. I'm of the persuasion that it is merely a way for narrow minded people to maintain the stereotype that A) The majority of straight men aren't consumed by maintaining a clean appearance and B) That all gay men are. The term metrosexual encourages the hierarchy that places gay men below straight men because the general feeling that metrosexual men are closeted implies that a metrosexual man is below a straight man, and therefore gay men are below straight men, which is just totally heterosexists!

I learned that some people don't have boundaries, and cannot understand others' boundaries. George and Marcus left me to fend for myself with this gay boy from Yonkers who could not stop trying to touch my butt! I mean, I know I have a nice one, but it's really uncomfortable when I don't know you and you're either trying to take a squeeze (or punch? I don't know. He's obviously crazy!). By the third or fourth time of politely and , I finally said, "You cannot touch me there. Get yo' fuckin' hands off me!" George made him leave.

I helped George get ready to leave by cleaning his kitchen from last night, and then cleaning and organizing his entire kitchen area like I usually do. We walked back to the subway and said our goodbyes. It's interesting to know that all the people I establish connections with here in NYC will all be out of my immediate life very shortly. I'm sad.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES WITH CREEPERS.
** LISTEN TO OTHERS' VIEW ON HOW GENDER AND SEXUALITY RELATE.
** BE ENTHUSIASTIC WHEN YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TO A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** EAT CHIPS LOUDLY DURING A MEETING.
** SUGGEST CULTURING ROLLY-POLLIES AS A CRAFT FOR YOUR DEPARTMENT.
** BE IRRITATED WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU'RE TIRED.

Riis Beach Exscursion

I was walkin' down the beach. And then I saw a Rock. But it wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster!

As I hurried onto the train, I realized I really should have left earlier! The train stalled. And stalled. And continued to stall until we all heard, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but one of our customers is having a medical emergency. Please be patient with the delay." Zombies! I hurriedly transferred from the 1 at 50th to the C, and then to the 2 at 42nd, where I was fifteen minutes late getting to the CENTER at 14th and 7th Ave. Luckily, they were prepared for tardiness, and I didn't miss a thing.

Walking to the subway, my newest friend George and I decided to be buddies. As before, my teal shorts become an issue as he was wearing teal shorts -- and a white V-neck, and converse, and we matched! Besides both being seasoned fashionistas, we're both naturally inclined to talk. What's fascinating about George is that it's like talking to someone who completely understands what I'm talking about; whether it's ghetto-cute talk, social justice, or our fears about "outbreaks" and Cloverfield, we seem to mesh very well. Kudos to the universe for introducing us!

An hour and a half later we stepped foot onto Jacob Riis beach. It wasn't too sunny, but I got sun burned. The water was vicious: knocking my body with tumultuous waves and freezing it with sharp coldness. George, Hal, and I courageously ran in (separately) and all sort of came running back out. Me more so. It was cold! The wind was ferocious! It whirled all around us in a current of sand and cool breeze. We laid our stuff down only to find it nearly submerged in the grainy business not twenty minutes later. Unenthusiastic with such beach treachery, a group of us built a fortified wall of board games, backpacks, food boxes, and each other to keep our stuff clean. It worked. I suggested building it with sand; Hal laughed.

When it was all said and done, we boarded the bus. I turned by back and a man face planted into the sidewalk from his bike. Blood? Yes. I thought it was interesting seeing him laying there. People were asking, "Why doesn't someone call 911?!" I said, "The police are standing right next to him." They didn't seem to be doing anything; only standing. Yay tax dollars!

George and I made our way back to his studio in the East Village where I was introduced to a nice young man named Marcus. From there we went out to eat burgers (I'm in love with bacon cheese burgers -- somebody stop me!), talk about cooking, and then settle in for a nice vegg-out session in front of the TV! I appreciate the new friends, and it seems like there's a real community to plug into if you look for it. George is moving back to France in September.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** REMAIN CALM WHEN BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO BY SOMEONE CRAZY. TALK TO RON ABOUT IT.
** CHANNEL GIZELLE WHEN DOING RUNWAY ON THE BEACH.
** WATCH PEOPLE VOGUE.
** WEAR TEAL SHORT SHORTS.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LABEL YOURSELF HIPSTER.
** FORGET A FORK WHEN YOU BRING CURRY.
** WALK IN THE RAIN LATE AT NIGHT.
** PASS UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO BOND WITH SOMEONE ON THE SUBWAY.

Oh Yes!

Let's address what some of you are thinking about briefly: I did not post last night. I came home at 9:00, finished eating dinner at 10:30, and then had to set up this damned air mattress (which took a whole 45 minutes before I realized the air release was open!), and then I had to clean up. By the time it was said and done, I was tired, frustrated, and worn out. Everyone thank Jake for being the best boyfriend ever.

I don't quite understand how the dynamics of my day work.

I wake up when I'm supposed to be leaving. Leave rather later. Get to work on time. Score two more major successes as soon as I get there. Complain. Eat brownies. Though I've started the day horribly and in a state of panic, I end up being more than OK. This throws off my expected mood of the day.

I went to Yes after work just in time for the Young Men's discussion group. The experience was uplifting on the shear grounds of making intellectual claims with other people. Up until now, the mere act of talking with another person could make my day; I've spoiled myself by allowing a deeper interaction between people to happen! We talked about dating someone with disability/limitations. What I ended up concluding is that the dynamic between someone abled and differently abled should be that of understanding and respect. Oh, like all relationships! I found myself saying, "As long as there was no perception that there was responsibility or burden, then I feel like a relationship would work".

I also brought brownies; people like that.

Last night Jack Mackenroth, Project Runway Season 4 contestant, came to speak with the group after a screening of the Men's Challenge, which he won. I should say that I didn't expect him to be as surrounded with stardom as he is. Though, he treated his celebrity status very lightly, and he was very much the down to Earth guy we all hoped he'd be. I promised I'd write something friendly about him in my blog, and may I just say his nose is real, he is very talented, and terribly aware of issues of need. His complete being seems very genuine. As I said before, he is the first person I've met and identified as HIV positive. The experience was all around very comforting; I didn't squirm or have a fit when we posed together, nor did his status factor into my opinions about his character. I feel much better about myself and my judgments after meeting him, and cannot thank him enough for allowing that growth.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** SPEND YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT MAKING CURRY IN THE KITCHEN.
** SNAP YOUR FINGERS LIKE A DIVA TO MAKE FRIENDS.
** APPRECIATE THE AMAZING OPPORTUNITIES IN YOUR LIFE, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LEAVE THE FAN ON (SORRY ROBI!).
** STRESS OUT ABOUT BEING DUMB.
** FORGET TO WEAR DEODERENT (ALLUMINUM FREE!).

Glamor

Thinking outrageously, I write in cursive, I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor... Oh, I am not quite sleeping. Oh, I am fast in bed. There on the wall in the bedroom creeping, I see a wasp with her wings outstretched.

Last night was one of the few nights I think I might have actually slept. Perhaps it was the way I rolled; inducing some strange deep sleep with my feet tucked just right, with my mouth only slightly open, and with the wooden frame jutting into that space where my waist should be. My dreams were far from pleasant, but not enough to wake me. I appreciate it so much that I ended up sleeping in, and being 15 minutes late out the door. Luckily, that means I was at work on time.

Another sizable success at GLSEN today! I know I keep reporting this, but the fact of the matter is that I've been assigned 6 states to deal with, and for whatever reason I'm just natural for it. Maria and I joke that perhaps we're not Project Runway, but instead True Blood: I seem to possess some sort of glamour (as in the affect Vampires have on people), which induces even the most apathetic and unconcerned voice to guide me to what I need.
"I don't want to help you, but I feel compelled to. I must give you what you want," Maria and I joke when an older man from Arkansas hands over the goods.

I suppose that makes sense: I'm tall, thin, and pasty -- and I have sharp canines. However, I think it's the sharp tongue that does the trick! Naive, yet assertive. Passive, yet... aggressive. I am Diana, and these are my game!

In all actuality, my biggest revelation today was that perhaps I am growing up. I told Jake earlier that I felt as if I am perceiving myself differently, and feel that others are seeing me as more mature and acclimated to life. I still feel silly, goofy, and foolish -- and I still laugh like a child. I'm still fascinated by bugs, and I love to eat cookies. I feel like I've balanced simplicity and complexity very well: Innocence and experience seem to fit hand in hand. I wonder what the draw backs to this dynamic are.

I left work early (30 minutes late), and trained to The CENTER again to meet and have myself a good ole' orientation. I ended up reading the latest issue of the advocate and playing a swell game of taboo. Though I don't think I made a lasting impression or any solid friendships, the mere presence and ability to laugh and be open with other LGBT youth was such a treat. I'm so thankful to have a real place to go. Tomorrow, I'm going for a real orientation, and then I'm going to Rated Q: Queer Youth Movie Night. The special guest is Jack, from Project Runway, who was the first openly HIV positive person on the show. Unfortunately he had a staff infection, and dropped out of the competition.

This will be the first HIV positive person that I've met and identified their HIV status. I'm excited, yet I feel bad because I have a twinge of nervousness. I know that's wrong, but I'm looking for that anxiety to dispel tomorrow when I see how amazingly normal he is.

I've also been invited to the beach on Saturday by YES. I think it will be nice.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** MAKE BROWNIES. THINK THAT YOU RUINED THEM. SURPRISE YOURSELF WITH PERFECT BROWNIES.
** SLEEP IN A BED.
** BEAST AT TABOO.
** MAKE LIGHT OF A STRESSFUL SITUATION.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** DWELL ON THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE ARE JUDGING YOU.
** HAVE A LAUGHING FIT ON THE SUBWAY WHILE READING THE ONION.
** ASK TO PLAY TABOO IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE.
** PRETEND TO BE ALLERGIC TO FOOD YOU DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF PAYING FOR IT.

Workin' 9 to 5!

It's a way to make a livin'!

Another success at GLSEN! I really don't know how much I'm aloud to say, but here's what I do know:

My supervisor and I met for a one-on-one, which all the staff have, to discuss any issues I might be having. She assured me that all my concerns are very valid, and that I should feel very comfortable asking for help; I'm not expected to jump right into it doing everything right. I then assured HER that I will. I will learn how to navigate these offices and official types. I will be comfortable in my outreach. I will master excel spread sheets. Oh yes!...


"Have you been to the Center, yet?" she asked as if this ominous Center loomed in my memories.
"The... CENTER?" I replied. Obviously I wondered if it was some testing facility. We'd just been talking about the concept of ethics and requirements for using humans as subjects in a test (for the National School Climate Survey, which you must take if you are an under represented young person.
"Yes, the Center. [pause] The LGBT Center in Manhattan. You have to go!" My heart jumped. According to the Youth Program on the site, there are weekly meetings and discussion groups, movies -- and people! And... Free Popcorn. I'm a sucker for butter and salt.

Like I said, this city seems strangely detached for as many people that live here. It's amazing how many people I see in one day, and the proportion of conversations I have with them! My ideal moment is to be on the subway, reading my book -- Nice Big American Baby -- and have someone comment on how they've read it before, and for us to discuss how amazing and inspiring these stories are!

In the mean time, I'm trying to finagle a way for Jake to come visit. He's never been to the city, and I'm excited to see how he takes it all in; for a man who's traveled the world, I wonder if he'll feel right at home. In a way, Jake being here will give me an excuse to indulge in some of the touristy things I've been wanting to do, but not alone.

I desperately need to do my homework. I'm thinking about taking it to work and then going to pier after work and working on it. Work. Work. Work. It's certainly a way to make a living. Dolly Parton would be proud of me.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** WATCH 30 ROCK AND VISIT THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER.
** ORDER A BACON CHEESE BURGER TO INDULGE IN YOUR CARNIVOROUS SIDE.
** LAUGH WITH YOUR CO-WORKERS.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE SOMEONE LOOKING AT YOU.
** CARRY AROUND A LEAKY WATER BOTTLE.
** FORGET YOUR LUNCH AT HOME.