It's the City for Me

June bugs

2011-08-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

"You'll disappear like a June bug in July, I'll be thankful for my time."

At night, I prop my feet against the banister on my porch and let the rain drip down my toes. The cool droplets collect on my feet before meandering down my calves, falling into the space behind my knee, and then down my thighs. Like fingers trailing the contours of my legs, the rain is a sensual presence within my own.

And the June bugs! Dark, full of rich ambers and browns that have an iridescent quality in my streamed porch lights' shine. They fill my ears with little nothings. In the clicks and chirps, I have full conversations with myself like my mom used to when she thought I was asleep and NPR played on the radio. Like a lively friend provoking a deep conversation, the June bugs are a filling presence within my own.

This summer, I have stepped into learning on my own. I moved to a new city where most don't live for half the year, and where people have their own lives and work and have their own friends; the occasional dinner party felt like an oasis in the desert of social abandonment; and real life took precedent over play, most days.

It's scary when I realize how temporary people are. As it is, I tend to build superficial relationships with folks to keep from getting too hurt when they leave (we all leave, sometimes). But when I let people in, and they leave, it feels like a severed chord; a missing finger; and something to be mourned as a loss. The Flaming Lips, though, have a lyric:

"And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know You realize that life goes fast It's hard to make the good things last You realize the sun doesn't go down It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

I find that comforting. If not completely upfront about that with every person I meet, I try to remind myself as best possible of that when I start letting someone in.

But the better question is how do you let yourself in? How do you be friends with yourself? Depend on yourself for support, comfort, security, and love? These are those age-old questions that get wrapped in with growing up; the questions we have to answer (or strive to answer) through life and experience; and the answers come more intuitively than given.

For me, I feel my presence as supportive when I lie in bed and grab my pillow to hold onto tight at night. I feel comfort when I laugh and scream at something that just passed through my head, or for tone deafness in the shower. I feel myself keeping me safe when I make decisions about what to buy, where to be at night, and what creeps to avoid. I feel my love everyday when I nourish my body; when I cook myself biscuits; when I smile at something I've said or seen and appreciate it as perceptively independent from my own existence.

I used to have so many best friends, but now I think all I want is one: me. And you know as well as I do that's not an abandonment of people I love and care for as so much a found connection that will never tear, and that I will never loose -- that's special.

Conrad's DO'S:
** HAVE SUSHI WITH PEOPLE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN 5-6 YEARS AND END UP SPENDING THE ENTIRE NIGHT TOGETHER.
** GO TO THE CLUB SOBER AND DANCE WITH YOUR SHIRT OFF.
** LAUGH UNTIL 6 AM AT THE SAME JOKE WITH NEW PEOPLE YOU'VE HARDLY HUNG OUT WITH.

Conrad's DON'TS:
** RESPOND TO 2:30AM TEXT MESSAGES WHEN YOU'RE STILL ASLEEP.
** LAUGH OUT OF NERVOUSNESS IN FRONT OF LESBIANS OUTSIDE OF A BAR.
** SASS THE WAL-GREENS EMPLOYEES OVER MANGO ICED TEA.

Is This What Jaded Feels Like?

2011-07-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

"Hold up, hold up, wait a minute, wait a minute."

It's the one time the dog bites;

The first time the bus driver gets angry;

When you see your parents fights;

Your heart breaks and a piece of it stays there.

And I wonder, "Is this what jaded feels like? I hope it passes.

I hope I am always able to give away everything

With no expectations

Conditions, --

Ultimatums.

I hope to God my Heart always breaks like this.

That I am always surprised by how cruel we can be,

And how nonsensical we can be, --

And how beautiful we are. Amen.

LEGS

2011-03-31T11:13:00.000-07:00

On the back of my quiz, I wrote this poem. My TA and I met regarding my grade, and at the end she asked me if everything was going ok. I said, "I mean, with my life? Yes." She handed me my quiz back, back side up, and said, "Well, I read this, and I just wanted to let you know if you need to talk, you can."

I paused, turned red, and asked if I could take back my poem I thought lost to the recycling bin. She made me a copy, and I thanked her for her concern and outreach. I shared a brief amount, although, always too much in this type of relationship, with what was going on in my life. She said, "We're all in this together, right?"

I think so. I think we can all, to some degree, relate to feeling as if a part of our body is being singled out. Whether that's your crooked teeth, your uneven breasts, your shortness, your tallness, you jaw line, your perfect ass... This is for our brief encounters with our own bodies where we realize a particular part of our bodies is means more.

For me, it's my

"LEGS"

My LEGS code sex -- long and slender stems leading to the cherry on top.

My LEGS code gender -- ambiguous at times. Smooth and attractive, defined and shaped by movement dynamics in a dynamic where they don't fit.

My LEGS code race -- white and pale and full of rose colored privilege that keeps me in a comfortable space where I am isolated, at times.

I never knew how well versed my LEGS were until I walked down the street and all I heard was, “Baby, so sweet!”

Or when I walked into a gas station and eyes became helper-T’s recognizing a molecular invasion of the normalized body.

I could have guessed, but when a man shows his legs and wears the short shorts that I wear, the reactions unleash a script of social rule,

And maybe they are just LEGS -- muscle, flesh sparsely covered in a coat given to me by my master code, by my biomasters whose lives and deaths wrote my legs.

My LEGS are code for the nights in that seedy dark club on White and Llamar pulsing to the music against your legs covered in piss and cheap liquor.

My LEGS are code for the bruises he left on my thighs and the cries I wanted to cry but stayed quiet in the black and blue light.,

And before that, the sweet touches of my mother caressing me to sleep,

And soon to be translated, my legs will code for a love in his eyes when he sees me walking towards him.

CONRAD'S DO'S
** VOTE LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
** DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GONNA' DO EVEN IF YOU DON'T GET THE WORD.
** HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR OLDER WOMEN AND TELL THEM YOU RELATE.

CONRAD'S DON'TS
** USE GIANT TRASH BAGS TO CARRY ALL YOUR CLOTHES ACROSS CAMPUS.
** LOOK AT COLLEGEACB AND EXPECT YOU'RE NOT ON IT.
** DOUBLE BOOK SEX ED WITH YOUR GRANDMA.

Feeling for Roots in Piedmont Park

2011-03-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

"I like to get dirty. Do you like to get dirty? I like to cause trouble. I like to cause trouble, but only in the most sweet way."

I make the trek to Piedmont Park most weekends to run my hands through the grass and press my toes into the dirt. In this urban jungle that is Atlanta, my rural East Tennessee spirit finds solace in the slow moving beetles climbing and shifting through the leaves of grass.

When I first came to Atlanta, I searched endlessly, like the beetle, for a place to call home. What I realize now is that no matter how hard you look, you'll inevitably simply sink into comfort. It's the ease at which it happens that surprised me most. It's the folks working at the Mediterranean bodega recognizing me; it's the in depth conversations with strangers at Flying Biscuit; it's the ritualistic spot where I always sit and feel at the roots of trees in Piedmont Park.

It's this sense of belonging that, for me, spurs ownership and engagement. I'm no longer a tourist, but an Atlantian. We hop on rickshaws and careen through Virgina knowing exactly where our free ride is taking us and where it's not. And where it's not taking me, I put in the energy to walk.

I'm taking a graduate course on feminist engagements with synthetic biology and bioethics. Every week we have a speaker, and this week, we welcomed Cara Page, an Atlanta community organizer and feminist-anti-racists-achiever healer. After class, we spoke with enthusiasm about my efforts to settle into this place and my eagerness to do so. At Emory, you get the theory; you get a kind of knowledge that's very useful for writing papers and talking to people and coming up with ideas. With Cara Page, you fuse that knowledge with the knowledge of real people by working with them and experiencing community. With Cara Page, you get a hug.

That's not unlike my work with a fabulous KSU student, Edric Figueroa. Edric found me in Piedmont Park and invited me to join the anti-war protest marching down the sidewalk. He said, "Hand these out!" and immediately I threw myself into the midst of asking strangers if they knew what the federal budget looked like. It's as if I'd forgotten how to interact with people. Do people in Atlanta act like people in Knoxville? To some degree, but the same thing could be said about me.

CONRAD'S DO'S:
** BUY A FLAMING KATY AND NAME HER GWEN.
** SPEAK HONESTLY AND DEVELOP BLUE FLAMES.
** WRITE POEMS ON THE BACK OF QUIZZES.

CONRAD'S DON'TS:
** TOUCH PIECES OF LUNCH MEAT CAUGHT IN THE DRAIN.
** WALK ON WET HILLS.
** RIDE ON BUSES WITH DRUNK EMORY STUDENTS.

Serendipitously Craigslist

2010-08-31T15:41:00.001-07:00

"I think we've figured something out if only for a little while."

I know we've all been there. I know that we've all had those moments, maybe weeks or months or years for some of us, where we just don't quite grasp how we could have ever done something so reckless or so unruly, where the reality of the situation, even undramatized, seems like a chapter in one of those memoirs you read and say, "Oh well that's just ridiculous." Now that I'm in college, it happened. We're owning it. We're acknowledging it. We're understanding and processing the absolute preposterousness of it all. BUT -- at least it makes for an interesting story, and it was all so serendipitous.

Let me lay the scene for you; B.L., my roommate, R.B. and K.B., my two new girl friends, and I were in B.L.'s and my dorm. B.L., a true romantic and a beautiful boy, was, in what some would find flirtatiously, talking to an upper class man. Said boy was telling us he wanted to go out, that he'd find a way for us all to go to Jungle, that we were golden. I believed him -- until 9:30 p.m. when we were still in our dorm and he was saying, "I don't want to go, but I'm still going to find a way for you all to have fun." Me, being an independent and competent young gay man, I responded, "You know what, uh uh... Imma' find my own way to go to 'da club!" In jest, I suggested to B.L., "Why don't we post a craigslist ad asking for someone to take us out!" B.L. responded, "Absolutely not!" Which I then took as a challenge and, with the squeal of gay laughter, replied, "Ok! Fine, I'll do it!"

My add went like this:

"Hello!

Cute skinny twink type here (and possibly one more) looking to go out and have a fun night! Not looking for anything scandalous, just good company. My friend is a little scketched out by me doing this. I'm just trying to be as outrageous as possible. Be beautiful, fun, and fierce! No closet cases, please! Sugar daddies welcome, but as long as you got a car, we're cool. Come pick us up, take us to Jungle, let's dance and party the night away.

xoxo "

For those of you unfamiliar with craigslist and it's litany of personals, this is mild to nothing, venturing on joking. Very facetious. Very fierce. Very bold and mad -- and reckless. At the time I was thinking of it more as a whimsical play thing. The responses were priceless: "I'm 42. Is that too old?" to, "Discreet guy lookin' for a regular thang." Needless to say, those garnered no responses other than a scoff or a quick laugh, but the first response caught my eye. It was from a senior here at Emory saying he wanted to go out, too, that his friends had ditched him, that he certainly wasn't a sugar daddy, but he had a car. I then went out on a limb, wrote back, "This isn't classy, but let's skype!"

Here I interject with a piece of knowledge that I have mad luck on craigslist. No, not for this sort of thing, but read back into my earlier blogs and you'll find I found an apartment for free in New York City -- not an easy feat. I also have a good sense of things, a solid head on my shoulders, and a very perceptive gut. I don't do things that don't feel right.

B.R. called me on skype. We instantly clicked. He talked about Emory Pride, the local LGBT group on campus, and gay rights, and mutual friends, and about being a student here at Emory. Very personable. I found his facebook. We established very quickly that we would have met on Wednesday anyway.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU ARE UNDERMINING MY EFFORTS TO HANG OUT WITH THIS GUY?!"

I looked at B.R. and quietly said, "We might not be able to hang out tonight."

I looked at B.L. The first tension between roommates was between some craigslist bullshit and some guy flaking out on us. We decided to take a breath, find our space, and finally made the conclusion that there were three of us (K.B. had left because of the screaming) would stay together no matter what, and, because I was bent on my loyalty and trust in this stranger, that we would go out with B.R.

Needless to say we had a blast, danced the entire night away, found a new best friend, had a shared experience, and fell in love (if only for a minute). This is college -- go with it!

That "Roll with it!" sentiment didn't sit well with me the next day. I promptly apologized to my friends for instigating a potentially dangerous situation. I would never do anything to put my loved ones in harms way. Regardless of B.R. being a new staple in our daily routine, and the serendipitous luck on craigslist, there are so many things that could have gone differently. We could have been left at the club. We could have been taken advantage or abused in other ways. It's not the context of craigslist, but the total trust in a stranger to take care of us. Someone very close to me once told me that I should have a stronger dose of skepticism with people, that I should give people time before I invest too much in them. I know I need to learn this, but how do you go from being the most naive and innocent and trusting person to anything but that? It takes time; this is college -- go for it!

CONRAD'S DO'S:

** DO ASK PEOPLE WHAT MAKES THEM INTERESTING AND START A COLLECTION OF INSIDE JOKES.

** DO GO SEE THE B52'S AND BLONDIE WITH THE ONE PERSON YOU WOULD MOST WANT TO SEE THEM WITH.

** DO HOST BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S PARTIES.

** DO TALK ABOUT INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT MATTERS TO GAUGE PEOPLE'S RESPONSES YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN BEING FRIENDS WITH LATER.

** DO SAY, "SALUTATIONS" TO KITCHEN STAFF.

CONRAD'S DON'TS:

** DON'T FAWN OVER BEAUTIFUL GREEK GODS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE BECAUSE THEY DON'T SHARE YOUR SAME AFFINITY FOR MEN.

** DON'T HAVE THE AUDACITY TO QUESTION MY GLITTER.

** DON'T USE NEW TOWELS WITHOUT WASHING THEM.

** DON'T ACCEPT FREE ICE CREAM FROM BAPTISTS.

** DON'T RENAME PEOPLE WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.

I am an Anti-Nazi Fairy

2010-08-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

"Chasing the Devil, catching his tail, fishing him out, we've reached our quota. Here is your answer, now go to hell! The Devil's daughter -- St. Petersburg farewell!"

It's one thing to be anti-Nazi, but it's another thing to have a 'tude about it. I don't mean an edge. I don't mean a slight gleam in the eye. I mean a middle school attitude full of, "Hey fatty!" and "Na-na-na-na-na!" But, more importantly, having a sign of Hitler shooting his head and blood spewing everywhere with the text, "Follow your leader," was a little too much for me. My reaction? Get a bunch of UUs to sing "We Shall Overcome." That didn't work, and I tried my best. But, my question, to start this dialog, is, "How do we raise our children to practice non-violent action when you have people holding signs that provoke the idea that we're asking our 'opposites' to kill themselves?"

Regardless, the rally was a whole bash of fun. I mean, it really was the best send off to Atlanta I could ask for. All my old friends were there. People got to see me and hug me and tell me how beautiful I am. We danced and screamed and sang and we were outrageous. For me, this is what I love about my community in Knoxville. It's stepping into a crowd of people and knowing everyone. It's the disregard for what's "appropriate" in some instances for what feels right. It's our need to grow from our mistakes, but our comfort in making them. I hope I can find something this powerful in Atlanta. I hope I can be there to make something this powerful for someone else.

At the rally itself, I was an anti-Nazi fairy. While Bob Marly blasted through my hair and around my waist and in my ears, and the rain cooled me, I danced ethereally in the middle of the crowd of clowns and accordion players. I felt the energy of my body, and I felt the fun. I hope they saw that on the other side and were a little envious, or maybe curious. I think that's what fairies are supposed to inspire. Behind all the, "That faggot..." I hope there was a little voice, or thought, that broached, "That looks fun!"

CONRAD'S DO'S

** DO HANG OUT WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND OF ALL TIME.

** DO HAVE TEA AND FALAFEL AT THE BISTRO.

** DO WEAR FAIRY WINGS AND GLITTER.

** DO LOVE YOUR COMMUNITY.

CONRAD'S DON'TS

** DON'T HOLD YOUR SIGN UPSIDE DOWN IF YOU ALREADY LOOK STUPID FOR BEING A NAZI.

** DON'T SHOUT BACK, "HEY!" TO MEN IN RED TRUCKS THAT CALL YOU SEXY.

** DON'T PARK DUMB.

** DON'T BRING HOOLA-HOOPS INTO RALLIES WHERE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO BE CLOWNS.

Summer Cont.

2010-07-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

"Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher and higher."

Elliott and I were talking the other day before heading off to the pool. We were saying our thanks to the world for finally meeting each other and being able to be friends. "I think we'll be friends forever," he motioned, and I can't agree more. This is a summer to remember for the rest of our lives. It's not full of quips of New York City. It's not meeting the President. It is meeting new people and laughing and being outrageous and taking life for what it is. It's shaking our hips and letting down our hair. It's living for ourselves.

Let me catch you up.

It was the Fourth of July and I made dinner for my gays. Having dinner with friends is healthy, and part of becoming healthier in your diet. I explored this idea at Highlander with Yasameen and Sheena and Jardena, but let me elaborate:

At Highlander, our theme evolved around maintaining a healthier lifestyle for your mind, body, and heart. It is in this that I realized a healthy meal consists of three things. First, something that is filling, nutritious; something that provides your body with the new carbon backbones it needs for growing, the minerals and vitamins and proteins for function, and the fuel to run. But it also needs thought and consideration. Who are you cooking this meal for? What tastes and spices and combinations can you create? Most of all, at least on the Fourth of July, a healthy meal requires you to share that food with someone else, or a lot of someones. It requires you to exchange communion between friends and partners and strangers. It means laughing and saying, "thank you" and, "you're welcome" and some love. With that said, Paula Dean should have manifested with the amount of butter I used. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but sheer comfort and fun was there in abundance.

Aside the food, we had an outrageous time. Between the fireworks and the Passion Pit and the charades and the bubbles -- we were absolutely positively what fun is supposed to be about. I have never had such a outrageous summer.

On another note:

Do you have friends scattered through out the world? Maybe ones you connected with so fiercely at one point in your life, but lost contact because of space and time? Madeline, one of my favorite bisexuals in North Carolina, pinned me down last night for quite the phone date. We laughed and screamed and hollered and shared the deep secrets that have happened in our lives for the past year. I should have never hesitated to call her.

CONRAD'S DOs:

** LAY BY THE POOL LIBERATED BY THE SELF-CONSIOUS OF YOUR BODY AND WEAR SPEEDOS.

** BE AN URBAN EXPLORER. GO INTO THOSE HOTEL LOBBIES YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO AND LOOK AT THEIR LIBRARIES.

** HAVE PHONE DATES AT RIDICULOUS TIMES.

** GO CONTRA DANCING.

CONRAD'S DON'Ts:

** DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF.

** DON'T PUT TANNING OIL ON YOUR FACE.

** DON'T BE THE WOMAN IN THE DANCE AND FORGET THAT YOU'RE THE WOMAN AND THEN TRY TO BE THE MAN.

** DON'T NOT LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

Summer Adventures 2010

2010-06-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

"Darlin' you got to let me know, should I stay or should I go?"

This is literally the first summer in four years where I'm not out and about doing something. Whether that something has been organizing demonstrations, traveling around to different conventions, or working in NYC, it feels like I've been going nonstop for the past four years. Though nice to have finally slowed down to the point of enjoying myself here in Knoxville, you know I can't help but feel a little unproductive!

That's not the case anymore. I have quite a few things already under my belt as accomplishments, and some things that I will be doing to keep myself more entertained than the constant newsfeed on facebook (you know you need something to do when you've reverted to watching people's activity on facebook and feel comfortable commenting on it and liking it candidly).

The summer began with graduating. That's right, I have a degree! Sorry! A diploma. More importantly, my friend, Zach Grimac, threw a dildo into the crowd at graduation and hit the kid next to me in the face! It hit me in the leg, and my whole row laughed and screamed and we made quite the scene! It was amazing! I'm beaming with a smile just writing about it. Naturally, I took the opportunity to inform the woman organizing graduation, incidentally the woman who threatened my transcript and admission to Emory. She was petrified. Also, I did appreciate our class President, Sarah Stevens, spending a substantial amount of time in her speech talking about me. I'm not saying I feel like I should be commended for everything I've done, but I did represent that school in the White House. Just sayin'. Thank you, Sarah!

Afterward, it was just a matter of time before my friends and I were saying good bye for the summer as they all commenced with their plans or work and me with my little nothings. The days started to drip together and the nights were really drippy because of the heat and being outside for the fireflies and for the fun and for the moon. Mackenzie and Taylor and me, in particular, had quite the night in the field looking up at the sky.

That same night, me and Taylor were downtown. We ran into Josh Fillis, who lead us on a walk to South Gay Street. We sat and met Theresa, an ex-bougois living in Sterchi Lofts on a trip for a new life. She of course then attracted some random rough necks who proclaimed they were the best men in the world. They had credentials. They were in the military. One was banned internationally from Wal-Mart for stealing so much while working there. He's also a heroine trafficker. Mackenzie showed up after we all pulled together to walk some 40 year old drunk woman home, Kendal, who's daughter had just died. The entire experience culminated in my friends and these rough necks being invited back into this woman's loft, her explaining why there were so many blood stains on the floor (and why she liked them), and having a little bit of a sharing circle. "I think I need to go," I said after 20 minutes of it all.

"Oh my Gosh! You should come visit me!" is something I've said pleasantly to a many of my friends living farther and farther away from me without any real expectation of ever seeing them again. This is not the case with people in Berea, Kentucky. Just last week, a crew of Quakers came to visit. I showed them all around Knoxville, all my usual spots. I share this because I think people should do this! Maybe I'm more naturally of host, and I do love giving tours, but showing people Knoxville who have fresh eyes to it was really fun! It was also affirming for me to find that I am still excited by this city.

This weekend was an immense amount of fun! Patrick, Elliott, Darren, Brandon, Stefan, and Emily and I all went out to the club. Of course, the Cell is a seedy dark place that no one likes, but it's still my seedy dark place that no one likes (if that makes sense). These people are amazing. My advice? Make new friends, make new connections, and don't be afraid to have fun. Just go with it.

The same crew is going down to Atlanta this Thursday for a day trip. We'll have a lot of fun, laugh and squeal way too much for Patrick's taste, and talk about the world, and have a summer.

A summer is something relaxed. Something light hearted. Something meaningful. Something touching and moving and fun and exciting! A summer.

CONRAD'S DO'S:

** GO TO QUEER EROTICA POETRY SLAMS, INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO LESBIANS ON THE STREET YOU DON'T KNOW, AND SPEND TWO HOURS WITH THEM.

** FIND PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU LAUGH AND RUN WITH IT.

** ENJOY CREPES.

CONRAD'S DON'TS:

** DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO COMPROMISE YOURSELF AT ANY POINT FOR ANY GIVEN PERSON TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.

** DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE SMALL THINGS THAT HAPPEN.

** DON'T ANSWER BOOTY CALLS (I DIDN'T!)

Summer 2010 and Me

2010-06-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

"Sunrise, sunrise feels like morning in your eyes."

Good Lord! Are you like me and try to steer clear of what you think is deadly and painful and dreadfully dramatic? I'm not saying I avoid conflict, but I am saying I do like to lay it out of my way and try to deal with what really matters in life. In the past six weeks, there's been some happenings that are important, and of course when you attract that sort of business, you attract what could be compared to spam to your life. Conclusion? Life resembles your email inbox (especially if you have Yahoo).

I am sorry to say one of two things. The first is that I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a friend of mine about six weeks ago. Here's my experience: I was too scared to say no. I didn't know what would happen if I didn't just go along with it, and here I am. So far, people have told me I should have punched the guys lights out, or I should have screamed, or I should have done this or that. What I've taken the time to learn is that feminized brains tend to draw into themselves and do whatever it takes to protect themselves. That's what I did. The follow up to this is that he's out out out of my life, needless to say, I have a healthier dose of skepticism when making friends, and I'm much more conscious of what I need as far as friends and loved ones go.

The second is that your favorite little gay couple decided to go our separate ways. "AW! OH NO WHY BLUH?!!!1?111??//!" Well, my lovely friends, people grow and change and make new pages in their lives. Also, long distance relationships make you realize how much you love being individuals and unassociated at this age. All smiles, no tears. Overall, I think it was the perfect decision at the perfect time because now I have a very open summer, and I'll be moving to Atlanta without the conditions of having to be something to someone; all I have to do is be me.

CONRAD'S DO'S:

** DO BE FRIENDS WITH BRANDON HOPPER.

** DO TELL YOUR MOTHER EVERYTHING.

** DO TELL YOURSELF TO GROW AND LEARN.

** DO GET TESTED FOR HIV AND TAKE SIGHS OF RELIEF.

CONRAD'S DON'TS:

** DON'T INVITE PEOPLE OVER LATE AT NIGHT IF YOU DON'T ABSOLUTELY KNOW THAT THEY WON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

** DON'T CALL PEOPLE DISGUSTING OR SLUTTY IF THEY GET RAPED.

** DON'T NOT NOT EAT FOR FOUR DAYS. IF YOU'RE SAD, GOURGE YOURSELF EVEN IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MAY THROW UP. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE ALREADY LITTLE.

** DON'T INTERNALIZE THINGS.

And Then There Were Us

2010-02-06T00:57:00.000-08:00

"Party like a rock star!"

Today, I woke up, and I felt the energy of a 200,000 person march pulling me out of bed. The sun light and city sound filled me with heart and soul of the people. The people who are fighting for everything that we believe in. I heard the calls and the cries of those lost, those born and died to a world that surrounded them with hate and despair. I heard these cries and it made me realize that these cries will only continue to echo through out our time unless we do something, so I got up and got ready.

After looking at the schedule, at least 17 workshops per session, Mario and I strolled out without saying a word, or at least that I can repeat because all we did was talk shit about people and ideas that make us nervous or frustrated or confused as to why they exist. That space to vent and express that agitation in my heart is so essential for making sure I treat everyone with respect and listen to what they have to say -- no matter how I might think it's ridiculous; every voice should be heard, processed, and given the same respect.

My first workshop was about sustainable leadership, recruitment and retention in the not for profit sector. Though somewhat unaccesible and frustrating that Eliza Byard wasn't there, I found the time to think about two things: how can sustainable leadership in the youth movement last continually, and does it need to, and is working in the not for profit sector something that I want to do?

I walked down to a Theater of the Oppressed workshop put on by a Boston Youth group. It was refreshing to be able to do something creative and applicating our high level thinking in a way that provokes social change. In our workshop, we split up into groups to "share our stories dramatically."

Holiday and Shatavia and I got to have lunch today. Beautiful people. I'm so excited to be moving to Atlanta.

Then plenary where Rea Carey talked about being active within the LGBT movement and that equality isn't a compromise; you can't be just a little equal. Her suggestion? Once a month, talk, write, and meet with people to change their minds. One person. Do you know how many people that is if everyone at the conference did that for a year? 72,000. That's a lot compared to just me, but really? I think we need to do more. Tanner and I agree.

I went to the third session with Kip and Robin around Queer Radical Minds retreat. The retreat focused on this idea of building a broader base and incorporating civil disobedience. I facilitated and presented the small group discussion on radical inclusivity. It turns out I'm a good facilitator. However, some kid from TEP said that he didn't come away with anything. I told him he didn't sound very open to the info, and he responded by aruging he was. He walked into the meeting and said that he was sent to spy on us by TEP. Great. Queers spying on queers.

Finally, and I think most importantly, I made it to the Gay for Pay workshop, which brings me back to whether I want to do this for a living. Honestly, if I'm going to be doing something in the not for profit sector, it's gonna' have to be in the queer movement. I met an Emory student today and I was talking to him; he told me that a lot of people do pre-med, but there's excellent liberal arts programs to utilize. I guess we'll have to see! Regardless, I came away from today with a really clear idea of what it would be like to work in the social justice movement. It sounds fun!

After the conferences we had caucuses. I don't want to go into how angry I got, but let me just say how I feel: SOCIAL JUSTICE IS AN INTERGENERATIONAL PROCESS. If you think it's ok to completely disregard all the work, progress, and people who have come before you, and disrespect those who have come before you, there is no room for your attitude in this movement, and you better check that at the door.

Later, Sherry Wolf and I tooled around and ate hour'dourves and talked about socialism.

At last, Kyle and I came back to our apartment to meet up with Mario. We all had a big ole' time talkin' love. Kyle and I went to S4, and it was fabulous.

CONRAD'S DO'S:
** DO SPEAK UP ON BEHALD OF YOUR ADULT ALLIES
** DO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM FORCEFUL PHYSICAL ATTENTION FROM STRANGERS.
** DO MEET YOUR BFFS DAD

CONRAD'S DON'TS:
** DON'T BUY INTO PATHOS SPEECH RIGHT AWAY
** DON'T DISREGARD EMPOWERMENT SPEECHES
** DON'T BUMP INTO PEOPLE AT S4

If Today Could Talk

2010-02-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

"We have to ride this new wave of activism."

Today I woke up next to the right man, hopped on MARTA to the airport to Dallas to Creating Change to make a difference in the world.

I should say my journey began with a mid-flight realization that this fear of flying in planes is completely rational; it stems from a fear and discomfort with being out of control. On further inspection, I realized that I (as in the human population) are rarely in control of everything. Is that control really necessary to NOT flinch every time there's a bump or start prayin' when the plane jostles. Letting go of that fear, albeit hard, was such a relief.

When I got to Dallas, I was ready to hop in Mark's red-orange Hummer, catch up with him and Mario, and make our way to the W residency. When we walked into the lobby my first comments were, "I feel so privileged right now!" the residency is truly beautiful, posh, and hip. The windows overlooking the city are enchanting; the orchids are magical; the living space is divine.

Without hesitation, we made our way to the Sheraton for the conference. Mario, my companion in all this, and I wondered around running into wonderful people. The day proceeded as such -- every once in awhile grouping with folks from Radical Minds. It was just so refreshing to be around so many queer activists. I must have talked my ass off because my voice is so horse right now. It all started with our instantaneous screaming kiniption we had with Tanner and Michelle. it progressed with conversations with old friends and new faces -- all of which are beautiful and amazing. This is truly a gathering of fabulous souls.

That really came out tonight during plenary. It was started with aknowledgement that hearing and language barriers will not be present at this conference. This sentiment indicates the accesibility that Task Force is considering when laying the foundation for this event. The next was the aknowledgment that this used to be Native land. Then a progression of awards and speakers that inspired clapping and screaming and hollering and laughing. Kate Clinton is our emcee, and boy is she hillarious. Her advice? We need not only have sit-ins, but laugh ins. Laugh in? Next time someone says something ridiculous about LGBTQIA rights/equality, listen, but then start bursting out laughing.

Finally, the keynote speaker, Thomas Seanz, a straight ally working on immigration, made 5 clear disctinctions why bridging and recognizing the intersections of the immigration movement and gay rights movement coorelate. Though dry and academic, his message was very stirring. To think so clearly that despite different specific goals, different socio-cultural implications, the tactics implemented against LGBT people and latin American people are very similar and our experience of oppression has distinct similarities such as fear of hate crime, living in the shaddow, and being denied full citizenship.

This concept of intersectionality is popping up everywhere. It's as if people are finally coming out the wood work and recognizing the fact that we need to be doing this all together. Together, we can make a difference.

Highlights: Tanner Efinger and "Rock for Equality" campaign around same-sex social security benefits; free "Legalize Gay" t-shirt from CampusPride; Michelle, Shannon, Michael, Robin, Stacey, Mandy, and Marquez hug; Kyle and Noah; Mario's and Conrad's conversations; meeting up with GLSEN; randomly running into Angel and Paulina; talking to represenatives from the census about queering the census; plennary speakers; making friends with Andrea from the Trans Hospitality room; flash mob planning; literature from "Gay? Fine by me!"; and sex positivity.

Tonight we tried walking home. Epic fail. As we're mapping out which workshops of 17 in each session, we're also mapping out better directions.

I think what I've come out of today with is two things: Self-actualization works and queer activism does, too. Also, it's the best to have a lot of friends.

CONRAD'S DO'S:
** SCREAM WHEN YOU SEE PEOPLE LOST TO DISTANCE
** VISIT ALL THE DIFFERENT HOSPITALITY ROOMS
** WALK WITH NUMBERS AND BUTCH DYKES

CONRAD'S DON'TS:
** RESIST THE URGE TO CARTWHEEL IN AN OPEN ROOM
** GET STRESSED OVER LITTLE THINGS
** DENY THAT YOU ARE SOMEONE FROM AMERICAN IDOL

Creating Change Means Flying to Dallas

2010-02-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

"May I congratulate you first for human, human of the year; you've won!"

A fluorescent pink suitcase sits zipped up, not full, but accomplished. It's a carry on; ready for the quick maneuvers of some international airport time.

I am not a particular fan of the airport. Security, checking in, busy people doing busy things on PDAs and iPods and with small children that don't know what it means to be busy. It's not the people; the people are delightful. It's not the food -- though airport food is notoriously overpriced and under quality. It's primarily the flying part.

However, destination Dallas requires a good hour and a half of flying. Last time I flew into Texas the plane felt like it was going to plummet. Terrifying much?

Going against Gandhian practices of thinking about the means as justifying the end, I'm taking the bullet and accepting the fact that Dallas is the headquarters for Creating Change. A hotbed of activist activity and advocacy and networking and mainly tweeting. It's essential, if you're an activist, to have a twitter.

Just last week I was at Highlander with some real activists. Activists looking to change the structure of how we work in advocacy and social justice. I like to sum it up by saying I was there to explore the possibility of expanding the LGBT Equality movement to incorporate a broader base and civil disobedience. I like to think that this is going to work because I believe in what's right. I'm wondering what others think is right, and that's why I'm going to Creating Change. I'm going to create change, too.

First: pit stop in Chattanooga, then Atlanta.

CONRAD'S DO'S
** THINK OF MIKE AND DANTE AND THANK THEM
** DO STUFF YOUR FACE WITH PRETZELS AND HOT CHOCOLATE
** DO GET A TWITTER

CONRAD'S DON'TS
** DON'T WAIT UNTIL 12:30 TO START PACKING
** DON'T ANTICIPATE FEAR IN FLIGHT
** DON'T LOOK FOR A BELT THAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU FOR 30 MINUTES.

Brooklyn is for Lovers

2009-07-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 25

Welcome to our house we only wanted to be good for the caller. Welcome to us, leave a message let us know what you're after. It may seem like there's nobody home. Really we're sitting right by the phone, letting you speak to the machine, letting you go first to say what you want.
Good morning, Jake! Good morning, Marie! Oh wait, oh no! Good bye! Good bye! Good bye!

Marie walked me to the elevator with my luggage in tow. We hugged and kissed -- and told one another how much we adored the other. It was as if I was saying goodbye to a relative. Perhaps it truly is just how lovely and open she is, but I feel as if we've exchanged heart pieces.

Then the sweat came.

I briskly walked down to the subway for a few blocks as I exited the building. Then it became more of a chore. By the time I was too the stairs I was doing my best not to pant! The 1 came crowded, and I debated whether or not to wait for an emptier car. No. I shoved my way on with two hot pink suitcases and backpack with wrapping paper jutting out the back. Incidentally, I only had one person say anything, and it was after my Lucho wrestler gift wrap body slammed his face! Embarrassing!

Before too long, I was blushing again as I pushed my way off the elevator into an anti-oppression workshop for the Media Ambassadors that GLSEN Communication was training! A lobby full of young people spread out all of a sudden staring at me, some hugging me, while I clumsily and awkwardly waddled to the front desk door. It was a relief to finally sit down at my desk and fall into the realm of spread sheets.

An hour or two later, Bailey and I took a taxi to Columbus Circle for a Mac appointment. It was the first time I had driven above ground in NYC, and the experience was one of interest, fascination, and extreme fear. I was enamored by the sights and views while I held on tightly in the cross-town traffic. Try it some time!

Jake met me at 3:00, and we collectively made an easy ride to Brooklyn for our new residence. Mike, the previous sublet, let us in, and we made ourselves comfortable. The apartment is beautiful, and Ally, the cat, is more than adorable! It has a wonderful living room/kitchenette with all the good (gay) channels on TV. A full bathroom on the right, a study at the end of the hall, and our bedroom is up the spiral staircase. It's really the perfect place; I fully advocate making life long connections via craigslist sublet section.

After settling down, Jake and I toured around 5th Avenue in Park Slope. The area is absolutely gorgeous, and reminiscent of a more developed Asheville. The people are nice, and there's a diverse range of food options. We probably walked around for an hour before deciding to try and decide what to eat! Jake got Greek, while I found some good soul food options in the grocery store. We mozied back to the apartment, and cuddled up for a good ole' horror movie. Brooklyn is spectacular!
CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** ESTABLISH LOVE BETWEEN STRANGERS AND THEIR CARETAKERS.
** SLEEP TWO TO ONE AIR MATTRESS.
** RUN ERRANDS IN EXPENSIVE PARTS OF TOWN AND SUGGEST JAMBA JUICE.
** MAKE YOURSELF A HOME IN BROOKLYN.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** CARRY LUGGAGE ON THE SUBWAY.
** TRIP OVER YOURSELF IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CITY.
** SASS THE APPLE GENIUS.
** BE SNAPPY WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THEIR WAY AROUND.

JAKEJAKEJAKE

2009-07-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

Thursday, July 24

and in the daylight we can hitchhike to Maine. i hope that someday I’ll see without these frames. and in the daylight i don’t pick up my phone cause in the daylight anywhere feels like home.

Counting the hours and minutes until Jake's arrival filled my day. Hopping from the 1 to the 2 in efforts to get anywhere faster, I check my phone: 15 minutes until 9:30, which means 5 1/2 hours until I need to dash out of work. Not only was I excited to be with my boyfriend, but to a certain degree breathe air with a familiar and close relation. In NYC, I have no one -- not a best friend, partner, family member, of whom I can simply be myself around! Sure, I've made friends, but my best friend here has known me for a total of 10 or days; it would be unfair to expect such platonic intimacy.

Jake was supposed to call at 1:30 when he got off. I looked at the clock to see 1:55 changing fast to 1:56. Nervous, I checked on his flight (because you can do that these days!) and found him redirected to Baltimore. Naturally, I freaked out! I called flight information and sat on hold for 20 minutes before being told that the flight was safely arriving into LaGuardia as we were speaking. Whoo! It actually worked out for the best because this way I could leave GLSEN at an appropriate time and not leave Jake waiting for 45 minutes.

By the time my train stopped at 116th, I was bolting down the road with my scarf flying in the air, and rain drops pelting my sunglasses. I looked for the tall figure on the corner of Morningside and Amsterdam and saw him from a block away. I kept running until I was safe in a warm hug and the familiar breath of Jake.

Before too long we were settled into Marie's apartment speaking with her and doing introductions. She seems enchanted by him, and even gave an impromptu dance/song performance of Jambalaya on the Bayou! She even offered for us to sleep in her bed while she curled up on the couch! Of course, I said no, but the thought was nice: "I want you two to sleep together on your first night together in the city!"

Before too long we were walking down 125th and exploring commercial Harlem with ease. Though the rain caught in our socks, and the wind sparked our necks, the day could not have ended any better.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** RUN THROUGH THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT AS IF ON A SECRET MISSION.
** JUMP DOWN SUBWAY STAIRS TO MAKE YOUR TRAIN.
** BRING YOUR PARTNER TO YOUR FAVORITE CAFE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** EXPECT H&M TO ALWAYS BE AMAZING.
** INTERACT NEGATIVELY WITH PEOPLE IN HARLEM.
** MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT HOW PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FUNCTION IN NYC.

You Look Like Home to Me

2009-07-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, July 23

I smile when he grins even though it was the television. Still, I'm glad to be around while he's laughing. You look like home to me.

This is the time I realize that this endless living situation does in fact come to an end. Though I've complained countless numbers of times to individuals and on my blog, I am truly sad to be packing my suitcases away from Marie's. She is beyond what it means to be a sweet old lady: Marie is a genuine, caring, loving, and dear person. I don't think a day has gone by when she hasn't apologized for not feeding me, giving me a bed, and not making me more comfortable. Of course I haven't let on to her that I could be more comfortable, but she isn't ignorant; I appreciate her awareness and willingness to make things pleasant.

Her spirit fights hard, and her accomplishments speak her truth about advocacy and securing living opportunities for all peoples. She has gone up against some heavy institutions with success, and garnered the respect of the colorful and diverse population around her. She is an organizer to this day, and a fierce one at that! Though her life is culminating, I am deeply grateful for my opportunity to meet, talk, and live with her.

I came home from work today to sit and speak with her. We chatted about what I am doing in NYC, the different places I've visited, and the sort of work I'm doing with GLSEN. I began to ask her about her day and what she was getting involved in. A simple curiosity seemed to brighten her day, and the act of sharing made her smile. This base level of communication was not being taken for granted by her, and it made me feel as if this grand feeling of disconnection was widespread; I cannot help but to promise myself to be more engaging to those around me.

My bags are packed. My area is cleaned. Marie's gorgeous apartment is ready for me to leave.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** TAKE A WALKING TOUR THROUGH MARIE'S APARTMENT.
** BEFRIEND PEOPLE REGARDLESS OF AGE.
** DRINK OTHER PEOPLE'S APPLE JUICE WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEND SIX DOLLARS ON A BOTTLE.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LET AWFUL AND TERRIBLY STRESSFUL ROOMMATES RUIN THINGS.
** BUY AN ABUNDANCE OF RASPBERRY SODA.
** LOSE ALL YOUR SOCKS MYSTERIOUSLY AND ALL AT ONCE.

Hard Work Helps

2009-07-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, July 22

Put a hole in the ground just to bury your poor uncle. Let him settle down, gettin' ready for the savior. If his heart is light as a feather he'll just float right in. It's a shame it's heavier by the burdens of his sin.

I'll tell you this: California is being presented with an alternative! I found a resource that will allow us to have a rather significant portion of the information we need for the school districts, and therefore the remaining information will not be nearly as much of a hassle to deal with. This is exciting!

GLSEN had it's monthly all staff meeting today! We heard from Community Initiatives about Camp GLSEN and how amazing it apparently was. The idea was to train a national intergenerational team to enter their community to start a plethora of localized JumpSTART teams; it's something that East Tennessee GLSEN is going to debut with (hopefully!). Next we heard from Communications about Sirdeaner Walker testifying on behalf of the Safer Schools Initiative Act. Her story and compelling testimony enchanted the congress people, and had a few of us in the office tearing up: http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/all/news/record/2449.html.

It struck me how important GLSEN is to the lives and support of LGBTA youth around the nation. Though at times our struggles with GSA or Spectrum Activities may seem futile and wasted, I know that just by providing a space, by existing, we are what makes the difference for some young people. Many youth feel isolated and alone; a presence and visible charter of folks can be what saves that child from self-destruction or violence from others. We have to keep working! I'm going to keep working.

After my day at GLSEN was over, I trained to the Center to meet George for the last time: he'll be on a plane tomorrow for Myrtle Beach. We stayed for a discussion group around Gender and Gender Identity; it eventually turned into a slight argument about whether the term Metrosexual is derogatory or not. I'm of the persuasion that it is merely a way for narrow minded people to maintain the stereotype that A) The majority of straight men aren't consumed by maintaining a clean appearance and B) That all gay men are. The term metrosexual encourages the hierarchy that places gay men below straight men because the general feeling that metrosexual men are closeted implies that a metrosexual man is below a straight man, and therefore gay men are below straight men, which is just totally heterosexists!

I learned that some people don't have boundaries, and cannot understand others' boundaries. George and Marcus left me to fend for myself with this gay boy from Yonkers who could not stop trying to touch my butt! I mean, I know I have a nice one, but it's really uncomfortable when I don't know you and you're either trying to take a squeeze (or punch? I don't know. He's obviously crazy!). By the third or fourth time of politely and , I finally said, "You cannot touch me there. Get yo' fuckin' hands off me!" George made him leave.

I helped George get ready to leave by cleaning his kitchen from last night, and then cleaning and organizing his entire kitchen area like I usually do. We walked back to the subway and said our goodbyes. It's interesting to know that all the people I establish connections with here in NYC will all be out of my immediate life very shortly. I'm sad.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES WITH CREEPERS.
** LISTEN TO OTHERS' VIEW ON HOW GENDER AND SEXUALITY RELATE.
** BE ENTHUSIASTIC WHEN YOU PRESENT YOURSELF TO A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** EAT CHIPS LOUDLY DURING A MEETING.
** SUGGEST CULTURING ROLLY-POLLIES AS A CRAFT FOR YOUR DEPARTMENT.
** BE IRRITATED WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU'RE TIRED.

Movie Night And Indian!

2009-07-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 20th
I feel it all! I feel it all!

Today the anticipation for Jake's arrival really kicks in. I wake up and start counting the days, hours, until he comes. There's a dynamic change coming, and I'm interested to see how it plays. On one hand I'm more than enthusiastic to see the love of my life for the first time in a month, and spend a week together in my new city. On the other hand, I'm so used to being independent and free of consideration or thought for other people around me. The shift shall surely be noticeable -- at least to me!

GLSEN Research work is pretty much coming to a culmination. I don't want to say I've worked to fast, but I have. I've compiled a seven spreadsheets, completed any side projects, and really just blown it out of the water. I suppose I'm still working on California, but that's so daunting that no one wants to deal with it! It's too big!

After work I trained to George's for a relaxing evening. We ended up almost taking a nap, but then I woke up. I was going to just leave, but Marcus called and said he was coming down. I decided to make Indian food for my new friends! Although, George's kitchen is about the size of a closet; there was a little bit of frustration among SOME of us. Regardless, the meal was cooked, and everyone seemed to really enjoy it. I find that cooking for people is something I really enjoy; the act of providing is a good one, and so is sharing. Maybe it's the Montessori in me, but I feel that interactions on a more basic level (communion) do signify a deeper connection between people.

Afterward we watched Saw V and ate chocolate chip cookies. I nearly vomited. I think I've reached the point in my life where gore and blood no longer excite me as so much terrify and emotionally scar me. Of course, as an old person, I have to say, "When I was younger these movies didn't have so much violence!", which is true, but still only old people say it! I'm gettin' old, y'all!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** TAKE A BREAK FROM WORK AND EAT 100 CALORIE COOKIES.
** OPT OUT OF WALKING AROUND FOR LAYING AROUND.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** TAKE THE SUBWAY AT 11:30 AFTER WATCHING SAW V.
** DELAY WRITING BLOGS.

I've Never Tasted THAT Before

2009-07-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday, July 19

Pancakes for one is always depressing because eating them with you was always so much fun!

This morning, I slept in. The air was nice, and the construction was merely a dull roar in the background. Marie's apartment is beautiful; the sun and the breeze fill the large spacious rooms comfortably. The quiet takes over, and even the streets obey the majestic peace I find at Marie's.

I hopped on the 1 heading downtown to meet George at his apartment for an unscheduled day. We went here-and-there around Astor Place and St. Mark's. I happened upon the cutest little smoothie shop: strawberry-mango smoothie, huge, $5.74! Getting deals on huge amounts of good stuff in NYC is probably one of the most fun parts about being here. It's so satisfying. I'm fairly certain New Yorker's live for it!

I needed to do some homework, so I suggested we make the usual trip down to the Pier. Being the good NYC host friend that he is, George suggested a bit of adventure to Bryant Park off of Times Square. Sworn to hate Times Square, I scoffed, and resentfully made the subway ride to 42nd Street. Bryant Park isn't nearly as cute or fashion-forward as it is on Project Runway. My impression was that it was just another patch of grass in the middle of the city, but more awkward because of Time Square's immanent presence! I tried to read my Economics book, but it sucks. Boo econ.

George and I toured around the area for an hour or two waiting for his friends Marcus and Lauren. Best Buy. Barnes and Noble. All things to find in Knoxville. Not that I don't like Knoxville, but I don't like being in a culturally diverse mecca and being surrounded by franchise after franchise. I suppose that New Yorker's need their cheap and dependable chains, but I found it a little overwhelming. How can a city who fights so hard to keep Wal-Mart out allow... It doesn't matter: Capitalism.

No sign of the friends. It's time to go.

Back in good ole' Harlem, I quickly readied myself for a night out with my family's friends, Barbara and Joel. They had invited me over last week for an Ethiopian dinner, but because cell phones are made out of evil, we missed one another. I was happy to be welcomed into their beautiful apartment. Though smaller than Marie's, their apartment was cozy, spacious, and delightful. I commented, "This is a magnificent place you've got; I absolutely adore it!"

"You do? We hate it! Maybe we should give it to you."

The night progressed with me asking questions about all sorts of things: my dad, nuclear work/activism, Columbia. After half a glass of wine, we walked downtown into Manhattanville, a failed attempt to move gentrification uptown, for Ethiopian! For those of you unexposed to Ethiopian cuisine, let me first encourage you to try it. I did. It was... something I've never tasted before. The spongey bread remincient of Naan has a very sour taste to it. The ground beans and greens seem lathered in spices. The meat? Oh, the meat. The meat is surrounded by fat, sauce, and deliciousness. Although I walked away with an upset stomach, the expereince was invigorating.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** SCHEDULE TIME TO DO HOMEWORK AND THEN PRIORITIZE EXPERIENCE OVER GRADES.
** MAKE PLANS TO COOK DINNER FOR FRIENDS YOU JUST MET.
** SNACK ON PECANS TO FILL TIME.
** LAY IN THE GRASS AND LISTEN TO PEOPLE TALK IN NYC.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** VENTURE TOWARDS TIME SQUARE.
** DRINK RED WINE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
** ORDER LAMB.
** EXPECT WHAT YOU'RE GETTING TO SEEM NORMAL.

Gayzelle

2009-07-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

Saturday, July 18
If I flew with wings from my spine, do you think that she'd let me carry her? And if I grew big and strong, do you think that I wouldn't be so scared of her?

Back at Marie's and couldn't be happier. The familiarity of NYC and Harlem/Morningside Heights is growing on me. Though this city is famous for being ever changing and ridiculously unsolvable, my niche and treks across the familiar paths going to and from provide a sense of security. Perhaps not quite as mundane as the drive to school every day, or the same route taken in the hallways, but the routine at Marie's is especially nice because of spontaneity and chances for variety are clearly everywhere in abundance. Whether it's walking down Amsterdam instead of Morningside, or taking the 2 instead of the 1, -- or just exploring a street that seems interesting, the possibilities seem endless! This is what makes NYC so interesting, even when I'm sticking to my same old way every morning.

However, this morning I did something different: I went to meet my friend whom I knew before coming to NYC: Sam Cramer. The dynamic of being here with someone that knew me before being here was interesting. It gave me a chance to see what's new about myself, and gauge if I really have changed. Thankfully, my social moth (handsomer, more endearing, and just as awkward as butterflies) was released; we just walked around getting lost, eating panninis, and exploring a dirty part of town. It was fabulous. Her mom is great, too.

Afterward I speedily found a 2 train heading towards 14th street for a YES program. I was 15 minutes late, but it seems like I had just missed check-in. We played the Big Wind Blows, and gradually more people came in. A total of 35-ish young adults came to a Saturday afternoon gathering in the summer. Competition with Spectrum? Only a little. Maybe it's because I'm not really a part of the program, but I feel so much more at home... at Spectrum. In Knoxville.

George, Hal, James, and some three or four others -- and myself, walked to the Pier after making a quick stop at Magnolia's. Delicious. Plain delicious. Cheap. Amazing. A line going around the corner! We took our goodies to the Pier and laid out in the sun enjoying the decadence. Before too long, the group was playing Truth or Dare, Ten Fingers, and then finally, RUNWAY!

The game is simple. Five competitors giving their best walk. The game is modeled after America's Next Top Model (America's Next Top Bottom), which Hal dragged out for the duration of the real show -- he even cried. Desira, Blue Star, JonJon, James, and me, Gayzelle walked our walks. Double elimination! Desira, Blue Star, and Gayzelle move on. The others flat out leave. Two more walks: Beyonce inspired, and accesories. I funk on Beyonce, and run the accessories! Bye, Desira. Two more walks: Tell a Story and Final Runway. Gayzelle.... WINS! Because they dragged it on for SO long, they ended up giving me this cute shirt from H&M. I think someone posted a video on YouTube -- strangers have no inhibition.

George, Paolo (Blue Star), and I speed walked to Harry Potter, where I sat in line for our seats while my two friends make a candy drive. The movie was... I liked it, but at the same time it didn't give me the same feeling when as when I read the book. For instance, I balled at the end of the book, and merely teared up while watching. However, **SPOILER ALERT** I flat out screamed during the zombie part.

We ended the night by a few rounds of Hangman in some 70's inspired diner. It was swell!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** DISCLOSE NYC LINGO: YAK, MUCH, DOWN, MAD, GOOP, GAG, BIRD.
** EAT APPLE ANYTHING, AND SHARE WITH HAL.
** BE RIDICULOUS IN YOUR POSE ON THE PIER.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** TRY TO GO TO CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN.
** WANDER AIMLESSLY IN A NEW TO YOU PART OF TOWN.
** ALLOW A TRANSWOMAN TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE A WOMAN, AND NEED TO CORRECT YOUR BODY.

One Quesadilla, Please!

2009-07-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 17

Remember that I love you!

I woke up this morning to the wonderful comforts of hotel luxury, and my best friend. Little did I realize it was 7:15, and Ginny had texted me to tell me to be downstairs by 7:30 for a breakfast meeting.

I snagged a bagel, finished the meeting, and sluggishly heaved my way back to my bed. Starling enjoyed the bagel, though I'm sure she was eating it in her sleep. It was a sight to see! I mean just take a second and imagine someone laying in bed, completely zonked out -- eyes closed -- chewing on a big piece of bagel. Amazing!

I eventually made my way downstairs for the workshop I was speaking in. Fortunately, the presentation and content was 10X better than before. I don't know if I just felt more comfortable speaking or if I really did feel like what I had to say was making an impact on my audience, but it just felt better. I can officially say that my first national gig went well.

After speaking, I booked it out of the hotel to go meet Starling in Columbia Heights at this adorable little restaurant called Sticky Fingers. I ordered a quesadilla before realizing it was vegan. I didn't like the cheese.

I have a question, though: When is Knoxville's vegan/vegetarian place opening? I think it's called Veg-o-Rama, and it's on Central. Someone check into it, and we can have a coming home party veggie style! I was ready to come home that afternoon, but at the same time I was missing NYC. I'm interested to see what my reaction will be in Knoxville! D.C. is much bigger, and seemingly has more variety of things to do than Knoxville, yet when I was there it seemed small and insignificant. Huh...

The flight from D.C. to NYC was, of course, terrifying. Turbulence. Thunderstorms. No snacks. Yet, again, no one else on the flight seemed to mind, so I didn't outwardly panic.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** REFRAME WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN IT DOESN'T APPLY TO WHO YOU ARE SAYING IT TO.
** ALWAYS HELP PEOPLE WITH GSA WORK.
** FORCE QUESADILLAS ON MELANIE.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** RIDE THE M60 BUS (SORRY JAKE).
** GO GROCERY SHOPPING ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.
** START CRYING ON THE AIRPLANE.

FC, JC, and SC in D.C.

2009-07-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Thursday, July 16
And if you stay with me, I can see that it's only getting better for me. Lift your hand triumphantly, and I feel like we're in flight to the moon. I'll be there soon. I love you, I really do.

I didn't get any sleep because when I went to fall asleep I forgot to put down my pillows. There was also no real breakfast. This is no way to start the day.

Do you have a story?

A story? What kind of story?

One for lobbying! We're going lobbying for health care reform with attention to incorporating and securing Reproductive Health Care in Obama's big bill! You don't have a story? No.

Oh well... I went to support my friends who did have stories! Sometimes that's just the case; you cannot be affected by every mess up in society. I suppose that's a good thing, but it was interesting exploring my role as someone who wasn't (seemingly) directly affected by lack of reproductive health care. In fact, the experience gives me some perspective for how others may perceive my causes and social justice concerns.

The rest of the day was spent tooling around with my favorite sex educator, and Planned Parenthood Mama (Auntie), Ginny Winter. The two of us experienced Jesus manikin making a statement that God is always in government. I thought the woman was loony, and I promptly said, "Woman, you outta' your head!" when she literally told me, "Bluh Blee Jesus! Holla' duh' in da' Capitol!" I thought my response was appropriate.

After lobbying (once), she and I walked through the hot swell that is D.C. to attend an amazing senatorial panel addressing the pertinent issue: teen pregnancy in foster care. I expected to be confronted with the same stories that I witness as a child of my mother, but I was taken aback by the seriousness of the problems plaguing the foster care system! For instance, foster care children on average go through 8-11 social workers, who then on average merely meet their young person once a month. This was brought up when someone suggested that social workers should simply address the topic of "sex education" with their foster care teen to patch the 80% increased risk in unwanted/teen pregnancy that youth in foster care face. What was most moving was the solid acknowledgment that it is the system's fault, and that federal intervention and foster care alumni should (and will?) be utilized to keep the marginalized .5% of our nation's young people safe and successful.

Stumbling for a Starbucks, Ginny and I wandered into a flower museum. Not a gallery, but a building sectioned off into marvelous biomes and ecosystems dedicated to the flowering plants of the world! The Jungle held plants that eat bugs when they fall into them. There was a room full of the most beautiful orchids. The desert had very phallic sprouts -- that was our least favorite.

As our day wound down in D.C., us peer educators made our way back to the Plaza. We quickly tumbled into cold showers and clean clothes in preparation for the dinner cruise on the Potomac! It was a drag -- all the boat staff sucked, and therefore the attempted dance party was a disgrace. However, I heard it picked up afterward with a wonderful rendition of the Time Warp. Most importantly, I made new friends! Zak and Sharanya revealed themselves to me, and I love them for it!

In culmination, Starling arrived at the Plaza. Or I should say we ran into one others' arms! We talked. And talked. And Zak came and talked. And we had an adventure -- I stole candy.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** SIT NEXT TO CHARLIE ON A BOAT.
** CHILL WITH YOUR BESTEE
** BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE MORE REPUTABLE THAN YOU REALLY ARE.
** TAKE A PARFAIT BREAK.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** BLEED OUT THE FACE WHEN MEETING IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
** FORGET TO WEAR YOUR SHIRT.
** WALK AROUND IN THE SUN IN DRESS SHOES.
** PUSH YOUR WAY INTO THE METRO.

Post Wednesday: L'enfant Plaza of Dreams

2009-07-17T17:03:00.000-07:00

And when you're holding me we make a pair of parentheses. There's plenty space to encase whatever weird way my mind goes, I know I'll be safe in these arms.

"Laguardia, please!" I say to my first pulled over Taxi driver. I guess teal shorts and a bright pink suit case get you noticed in NYC. I'm going to say that my cab driver was someone similar to someone from Fast&Furious series, because I got to the airport super fast.
Do I need to talk about the shuttle down to NYC?

After an hour, I was finally reunited with someone from Knoxville. To make it better, it was someone I liked! Ginny Winter, Planned Parenthood Community Educator, and I found one another and I quickly remembered what it felt like to be around members of my own community: welcoming. It's an instantaneous sensation of comfort, when you've been taken out of it for so long. I'm going to try and remember not to take these kind of interactions for granted any longer.

Ginny and I made our way to L'enfant Plaza Hotel. I must say that it's the most confusing place to find. However, if you spot the glass pyramid Louvre look alike, you're there. Another comfort: single bed room with a king size bed. Need I say more?

I quickly rushed down to Monet I for my first workshop presentation. Of course, I'm the first to speak. I wasn't entirely aware of the subject matter, and made up for it by throwing candies into the crowd. Naturally, I wasn't completely comfortable with everything that I was talking about, but I feel like my general messages of "DIY", "find support", and "speak from your experiences" were pushed across. Luckily for the attendees, Christy and Megan (the other presenters) were totally under control, and fabulous! All in all, I walked away knowing that I needed to re frame the subject matter to make it more applicable to student organizers for Planned Parenthood, and focus more on anecdotes as opposed to advice. Like I said, "Youth advocates have a specific role in advocacy: share your story!"

The rest of the day is a blur between catching up with people from Houston, hanging on the arms of people from Tennessee, and introducing myself to new folks.

It wasn't until later that night that things got really interesting! At 8:00, a teen dance party was organized. The DJ was cheesy, and played silly music. For the first 20 minutes, it was four youth from Tennessee dancing on this big empty dance floor. We busted it down, and eventually went out into the crowd to retrieve other participants. The dance was a success, and too much fun. I felt like I was making a fool of myself most of the time! Then, Cecile Richards, Planned Parenthood President, started "booty" dancing next to me; it gave me the needed confidence to not give a damn about what other people might be thinking.

By 11:00, we all tumbled back into our rooms. I quickly emerged myself in the most comfortable bed, and gently drifted to sleep.
"I miss NYC," I thought.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** DANCE. HAVE A GOOD TIME.
** SAY WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND TO HOTEL STAFF.
** SING IN THE SHOWER TO EXPRESS YOUR EXCITEMENT.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** THROW CANDY INTO A CROWD.
** ASSUME ALL METROS WORK THE SAME.
** DISCLOSE THAT YOU LOVE GET TO KNOW GAMES AS "GET TO KNOW YOU FACT."

A Short Reprise of D.C.

2009-07-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

When the wind starts blowin' from the east to the west, maybe you'll be who I like best!

Tomorrow I mark a short adventure to D.C. for the Planned Parenthood Youth Initiative Conference. I've been invited to speak on a panel to talk about what it means to be a young person talking to people of power, and what it means to be an advocate. Basically, I'm going to be telling my story, and relating it to these students that anyone can do this! For me, it all stated with being provoked, and then I just couldn't stop! Whether it's talking to people who are trying to shift the balance of power, or when I want to do the shifting, I find I am empowered by my own sense of being and identity to clearly articulate myself; that's all it is!

The people that make me most nervous to talk to are people that it's most inconvenient to harbor those feelings for: prospective friends and folks I think look interesting. Someone inevitably tells me I'm "so outgoing", but I always had the sense that I'm pretty shy -- it's always such a huge leap for me to start a conversation. But golly, when I get started... You can attest to that!

Speaking of people who can talk your ear off, I'm cultivating an appreciation for limits and boundaries by working at GLSEN. Some people want us to save the world! Some people just don't seem to care. Some people just want to be fair. We just want to have a good time (while making schools safer for all students regardless of sexual orienation and gender identity/expression)! As people begin to ask us for more than we can chew, I become very aware that even the beheamouth that is GLSEN has limits to what it can do. Like any entity, there are just certain things that are beyond it's means. I wonder about myself: What is beyond my means?

My day was filled with wandering around the lower east side with a possee of friends and aquaintences. We eventually made our way to the Highrise Park, which is an above ground park! They converted an old railway to a greenspace, and I'm absolutely impressed.

I came home today and had a good long chat with Ron about all sorts of things. It was very relaxed, but I am happy to hear that my perfect old-lady friend is far from perfect; I like to hear that people who are beyond friendly and hospitable do have some "quirks" of their own that other people deal with. I'm especially interested in how she treats women, her daughter -- Weezie --, and what her dynamic was when she was younger. As I understand it, there's a lot to know about.

Other than that, I have manuevered myself out of Marie's apartment into a lovely place in Brooklyn. I wont tell where out of respect for the even lovlier person who has helped set this up for me (she's a saint!), but I will say that my comfort level is already rising! I haven't seen a cat in NYC at all until I saw her cat, and I didn't want to stop petting it! I miss my cats, and today I spoke on the phone with my dog.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** STAND OUTSIDE THE CENTER AND MAKE MORE FRIENDS.
** MAKE A SOUTHERN MEAL WHEN YOU'RE FEELING TIRED OF ETHNIC CUISINE.
** REMAIN POSITIVE WHEN THINGS SEEM INSURMOUNTABLE.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO PACK.
** BUY/DRINK RASBERRY SODA (UNLESS YOU LOVE COUGH SYRUP).
** DWELL ON HOW AWFUL A PERSON IS.

Built Like I

2009-07-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

Built well you're a strong letter I, with the feet on the ground and the head to the sky. Now and then you can bend, it's okay to lean over my way. You fear that you can't do it all,and you're right. Even diligent day takes relief every day from its work making light from the night.

I've been wondering when this would happen. I was slightly curious as to how I'd made it this far.

"Why have I not crashed? Why have I not burned out and deflated fast like a balloon popping in a quiet room?"

My expectations for a sudden slip failed; I caught myself with that all to familiar ache you get when you've done too much. I took the day at GLSEN easily; trying not to exert myself mentally, I performed some preliminary research on facebook for an outreach project I'm working towards. Additionally, a major slam to the gut came today when we realized how much of a behemoth California is, and exactly how much time it would take to successfully untangle the mess that is the 971 people I need to know contact information for. Hopefully an alternative will appear.

At 3:00, I made my way for 14th street to meet with George and friend Sergio for Sushi. I reminded myself that I was hungry, and ordered a Dragon Roll. Zoning in and out of conversation, I sat relatively quietly thinking about my brother and Maria. They're so perfect together, and I want them to have a house in the Palisades I can go visit and retreat away from the hustle and bustle of this place: NYC.

Afterward, we hopped over to Union Square where a hideous rendition of some church song echoed above the street vendors and tourist pedestrians. I was more concerned with buying my Harry Potter tickets and getting out of there; my ankles were about to pop beneath me, and I think George had an idea or two about running around the East Village lomo-ing it up!

6:30 and I'm home! Marie and I chatted for the first time in a day or two. She's still in mad adoration for me, and I her, and it's as if I've caught up with a dear friend. She truly is amazing, and if you ever have a chance to meet her, please do yell at her that I said, "Hello!"

Beyond that, I can only tell you the simple joys of relaxing, sitting, and letting time past is beyond healing. It's a soothing experience; taking a moment of quiet in the midst of noise. Centering yourself while allowing your body to balance. "Napping while awake" as I say. The time taken let me reflect on exactly all that is happening, and what I'm learning:

When you're building friendships, learning about the dynamics and complexities of the world, and challenging your boundaries to do both, you can make any place fun, adventurous, and exciting -- even New York City!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** CAT SIT.
** MEND MISTAKES BY THROWING INDIAN FOOD AT IT.
** TAKE SMALL NAPS ON THE SUBWAY.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LET YOURSELF BE SNAPPY.
** INTERRUPT SALES PEOPLE.
** ALLOW BROWNIES JUST SIT AROUND. NOT BEING EATEN.

Chelsea, Stop It!

2009-07-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

While you lie in slumber, I'll wake up early and I'll go and milk the goats. You stay in bed and play around inside your dreams

The sound of laughter and pleasantries -- and clinking coffee cups wake me up. It's a much needed change to the typical construction work going on in the background. 11:00 feels so guilty when there's so much to be doing, but the rest was much needed. Ron and neighbor jest that the dog, Bryce, might have some functional issues mentally. They compare this dysfunction to that of our domineering roommate. Smiling, I agree in my head, and then later over bagels and orange juice. I gently wake and send out some preliminary texts, "I'll be there in an hour or so." Two hours later! What can I say? I talked to my mom, I talked to Jake, and then I helped a man carry his dolly out of the subway.

Making one's way downtown is a trek. Little did I know, George had me walking all day! I mentioned not having explored the East Village yet, and never having gone to Chelsea. He, his friend, and I walked to a delicious Thai restaurant where I indulged my craving for Thai iced tea and some color of curry. Next stop: cupcakery! Intermission: lomography! My Holga! My Fisheye! I've sparked George's interest, and he finds the seed of a new passion in toy cameras. I found another treat from home -- Chocolate Peanut butter pie; it was more than delicious, but less than Tomato Head. However, it made me miss home and days in Krutch park under trees eating pie with Starling.

Walking through Chelsea, I discovered the hip spot known for the queer flare is really a runway for in shape gay men, coffee shops, and bars. The glamor of this spot is lost, and I'm left swatting at it as I enter the Meat Packing District. Shortly into this neighborhood, George and I fall into an amazingly tacky, yet irresistible, street fair! Music from the roof tops showered us with melodies and an urge to move. Fire breathers briefly impressed us with short talents, but attitude is everything. The free lemonade was beyond the best lemonade either of us has had. People were dressed as balloon germs (?). Target logos and sponsorship everywhere.

Back to the Lomo store! My interest is sparked by a multi-image camera, and I'm thinking I might go back and get it. George finds kin in the Diana, which he promptly has assembled, and we're on the streets searching for lomo-moments. We find almost a whole role at the Pier, but mainly lie in the grass absorbing the warmth of the afternoon sun. I briefly consider myself attached to the Earth. The moment provokes me to ask, "What is attached to Earth?"

Back at my buddy's I'm exposed to a whole new fascination: True Blood! It's either the most pointless show, or one of the most interesting! I say that because I'm not keeling over for vampire action, and I absolutely disprove of this Twilight momentum that's been built over the past year. However, for those unaware of the show's content, there's a strong claim/premise the show draws parallels between the convictions of hatred towards vampires to that of LGBT people (had being gay been suddenly legalized in the 50s).

Tonight I walked through Columbia campus, and I was struck at how at home it seemed. I looked up and could see the stars. I looked to my left and future friends sat watching and talking on the steps of Lowes Library. To my left students congregated in the fields. A moment's feeling urges me to really consider living here.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** HELP PEOPLE READ MAPS AND FIND OUT WHERE THEY'RE GOING.
** LISTEN TO PANDORA RADIO STATION: THE BLOW.
** WALK. ABSORB THE CITY ONE STEP AT A TIME.
** UNDERSTAND THAT YES, MANHATTAN IS BEING GENTRIFIED; SUPPORT LOCAL BUSINESS.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LEAVE SOAP SCUM. ANYWHERE.
** WALK PAST RAM ROD ALONE.
** STAY UP LATE ON WORK NIGHTS.
** MAKE BROWNIES AND THEN NOT EAT THEM (THEY'RE STILL GOOD!).

Riis Beach Exscursion

2009-07-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

I was walkin' down the beach. And then I saw a Rock. But it wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster!

As I hurried onto the train, I realized I really should have left earlier! The train stalled. And stalled. And continued to stall until we all heard, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but one of our customers is having a medical emergency. Please be patient with the delay." Zombies! I hurriedly transferred from the 1 at 50th to the C, and then to the 2 at 42nd, where I was fifteen minutes late getting to the CENTER at 14th and 7th Ave. Luckily, they were prepared for tardiness, and I didn't miss a thing.

Walking to the subway, my newest friend George and I decided to be buddies. As before, my teal shorts become an issue as he was wearing teal shorts -- and a white V-neck, and converse, and we matched! Besides both being seasoned fashionistas, we're both naturally inclined to talk. What's fascinating about George is that it's like talking to someone who completely understands what I'm talking about; whether it's ghetto-cute talk, social justice, or our fears about "outbreaks" and Cloverfield, we seem to mesh very well. Kudos to the universe for introducing us!

An hour and a half later we stepped foot onto Jacob Riis beach. It wasn't too sunny, but I got sun burned. The water was vicious: knocking my body with tumultuous waves and freezing it with sharp coldness. George, Hal, and I courageously ran in (separately) and all sort of came running back out. Me more so. It was cold! The wind was ferocious! It whirled all around us in a current of sand and cool breeze. We laid our stuff down only to find it nearly submerged in the grainy business not twenty minutes later. Unenthusiastic with such beach treachery, a group of us built a fortified wall of board games, backpacks, food boxes, and each other to keep our stuff clean. It worked. I suggested building it with sand; Hal laughed.

When it was all said and done, we boarded the bus. I turned by back and a man face planted into the sidewalk from his bike. Blood? Yes. I thought it was interesting seeing him laying there. People were asking, "Why doesn't someone call 911?!" I said, "The police are standing right next to him." They didn't seem to be doing anything; only standing. Yay tax dollars!

George and I made our way back to his studio in the East Village where I was introduced to a nice young man named Marcus. From there we went out to eat burgers (I'm in love with bacon cheese burgers -- somebody stop me!), talk about cooking, and then settle in for a nice vegg-out session in front of the TV! I appreciate the new friends, and it seems like there's a real community to plug into if you look for it. George is moving back to France in September.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** REMAIN CALM WHEN BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO BY SOMEONE CRAZY. TALK TO RON ABOUT IT.
** CHANNEL GIZELLE WHEN DOING RUNWAY ON THE BEACH.
** WATCH PEOPLE VOGUE.
** WEAR TEAL SHORT SHORTS.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LABEL YOURSELF HIPSTER.
** FORGET A FORK WHEN YOU BRING CURRY.
** WALK IN THE RAIN LATE AT NIGHT.
** PASS UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO BOND WITH SOMEONE ON THE SUBWAY.

Oh Yes!

2009-07-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

Let's address what some of you are thinking about briefly: I did not post last night. I came home at 9:00, finished eating dinner at 10:30, and then had to set up this damned air mattress (which took a whole 45 minutes before I realized the air release was open!), and then I had to clean up. By the time it was said and done, I was tired, frustrated, and worn out. Everyone thank Jake for being the best boyfriend ever.

I don't quite understand how the dynamics of my day work.

I wake up when I'm supposed to be leaving. Leave rather later. Get to work on time. Score two more major successes as soon as I get there. Complain. Eat brownies. Though I've started the day horribly and in a state of panic, I end up being more than OK. This throws off my expected mood of the day.

I went to Yes after work just in time for the Young Men's discussion group. The experience was uplifting on the shear grounds of making intellectual claims with other people. Up until now, the mere act of talking with another person could make my day; I've spoiled myself by allowing a deeper interaction between people to happen! We talked about dating someone with disability/limitations. What I ended up concluding is that the dynamic between someone abled and differently abled should be that of understanding and respect. Oh, like all relationships! I found myself saying, "As long as there was no perception that there was responsibility or burden, then I feel like a relationship would work".

I also brought brownies; people like that.

Last night Jack Mackenroth, Project Runway Season 4 contestant, came to speak with the group after a screening of the Men's Challenge, which he won. I should say that I didn't expect him to be as surrounded with stardom as he is. Though, he treated his celebrity status very lightly, and he was very much the down to Earth guy we all hoped he'd be. I promised I'd write something friendly about him in my blog, and may I just say his nose is real, he is very talented, and terribly aware of issues of need. His complete being seems very genuine. As I said before, he is the first person I've met and identified as HIV positive. The experience was all around very comforting; I didn't squirm or have a fit when we posed together, nor did his status factor into my opinions about his character. I feel much better about myself and my judgments after meeting him, and cannot thank him enough for allowing that growth.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** SPEND YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT MAKING CURRY IN THE KITCHEN.
** SNAP YOUR FINGERS LIKE A DIVA TO MAKE FRIENDS.
** APPRECIATE THE AMAZING OPPORTUNITIES IN YOUR LIFE, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LEAVE THE FAN ON (SORRY ROBI!).
** STRESS OUT ABOUT BEING DUMB.
** FORGET TO WEAR DEODERENT (ALLUMINUM FREE!).

Glamor

2009-07-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

Thinking outrageously, I write in cursive, I hide in my bed with the lights on the floor... Oh, I am not quite sleeping. Oh, I am fast in bed. There on the wall in the bedroom creeping, I see a wasp with her wings outstretched.

Last night was one of the few nights I think I might have actually slept. Perhaps it was the way I rolled; inducing some strange deep sleep with my feet tucked just right, with my mouth only slightly open, and with the wooden frame jutting into that space where my waist should be. My dreams were far from pleasant, but not enough to wake me. I appreciate it so much that I ended up sleeping in, and being 15 minutes late out the door. Luckily, that means I was at work on time.

Another sizable success at GLSEN today! I know I keep reporting this, but the fact of the matter is that I've been assigned 6 states to deal with, and for whatever reason I'm just natural for it. Maria and I joke that perhaps we're not Project Runway, but instead True Blood: I seem to possess some sort of glamour (as in the affect Vampires have on people), which induces even the most apathetic and unconcerned voice to guide me to what I need.
"I don't want to help you, but I feel compelled to. I must give you what you want," Maria and I joke when an older man from Arkansas hands over the goods.

I suppose that makes sense: I'm tall, thin, and pasty -- and I have sharp canines. However, I think it's the sharp tongue that does the trick! Naive, yet assertive. Passive, yet... aggressive. I am Diana, and these are my game!

In all actuality, my biggest revelation today was that perhaps I am growing up. I told Jake earlier that I felt as if I am perceiving myself differently, and feel that others are seeing me as more mature and acclimated to life. I still feel silly, goofy, and foolish -- and I still laugh like a child. I'm still fascinated by bugs, and I love to eat cookies. I feel like I've balanced simplicity and complexity very well: Innocence and experience seem to fit hand in hand. I wonder what the draw backs to this dynamic are.

I left work early (30 minutes late), and trained to The CENTER again to meet and have myself a good ole' orientation. I ended up reading the latest issue of the advocate and playing a swell game of taboo. Though I don't think I made a lasting impression or any solid friendships, the mere presence and ability to laugh and be open with other LGBT youth was such a treat. I'm so thankful to have a real place to go. Tomorrow, I'm going for a real orientation, and then I'm going to Rated Q: Queer Youth Movie Night. The special guest is Jack, from Project Runway, who was the first openly HIV positive person on the show. Unfortunately he had a staff infection, and dropped out of the competition.

This will be the first HIV positive person that I've met and identified their HIV status. I'm excited, yet I feel bad because I have a twinge of nervousness. I know that's wrong, but I'm looking for that anxiety to dispel tomorrow when I see how amazingly normal he is.

I've also been invited to the beach on Saturday by YES. I think it will be nice.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** MAKE BROWNIES. THINK THAT YOU RUINED THEM. SURPRISE YOURSELF WITH PERFECT BROWNIES.
** SLEEP IN A BED.
** BEAST AT TABOO.
** MAKE LIGHT OF A STRESSFUL SITUATION.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** DWELL ON THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE ARE JUDGING YOU.
** HAVE A LAUGHING FIT ON THE SUBWAY WHILE READING THE ONION.
** ASK TO PLAY TABOO IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE.
** PRETEND TO BE ALLERGIC TO FOOD YOU DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF PAYING FOR IT.

New Jersey Housewives

2009-07-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

In my family, we know how to get things done!

3:00. Ready to go home and change before going out this evening.

"Conrad, are you going to stay for the department meeting?"

The highlight of the day was towards the end for a two hour department meeting. The Research department is, without a doubt, accommodatingly hilarious -- while getting important things done. The meetings go like this: Important business, witty comment, laughter, non-sequester, conclusion, witty comment, laughter, TV show analogy... and so forth and so forth. As many of you role your eyes, I'll have you know that the train of thought in these meetings generally make sense, and the witticisms and laughter tend to spark some innovative or new way of looking at something. If not, the comical relief may keep us from crying. We've apparently been deemed the Real Housewives of New Jersey; go figure.

After work, I quickly trained from South Ferry to 14th Street -- The Village -- where I set foot in New York City's LGBT center. It was not glamorous by any means; roughnecks and street people littered the lobby, and urban teens drifted outside waiting for something. Directed to the back, I found comfort in the wholesome yet queer youth space created by the Youth Empowerment Services (YES). There, groups of queer teens (13-21) congregate to enjoy one another's presences, and engage their community. Excitedly, I introduced myself with enthusiasm, and listen attentively as the calendar and protocols were told to me. Tomorrow I go into register as a participant. On Friday, I'm meeting someone famous. On Saturday, I've been invited to the beach. It's all a lot to commit to, especially when my newest Brooklyn friend, Deenah, sent me a calendar of everything going on that she knows.

Ron is making me mango ice cream.

I bought deodorant and shaving cream today.
Tonight I get an air mattress.

Life is generally ok, but I'm bitter about homework.

Also, I'm a little anxious about not being in control of whether or not I get to see Jake. That's never a pleasant feeling, but I'm trying not to make a big deal of it. If it happens, then that's grand. If it doesn't, I'll be disappointed. We have our whole lives ahead of us to go to NYC together. That makes me happy.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** LAUGH UNTIL YOU CRY WITH YOUR BOSS.
** ENCOURAGE YOUR CO-WORKER AND OFFER TO HELP MORE.
** ENGAGE THE COMMUNITY YOUR IN.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** SOLICIT STRANGERS ON CRAIGSLIST TO SEE IF YOU CAN STAY WITH THEM FOR FREE.
** FORGET WHERE YOU ARE ON THE SUBWAY.
** DRINK SODA.

Workin' 9 to 5!

2009-07-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

It's a way to make a livin'!

Another success at GLSEN! I really don't know how much I'm aloud to say, but here's what I do know:

My supervisor and I met for a one-on-one, which all the staff have, to discuss any issues I might be having. She assured me that all my concerns are very valid, and that I should feel very comfortable asking for help; I'm not expected to jump right into it doing everything right. I then assured HER that I will. I will learn how to navigate these offices and official types. I will be comfortable in my outreach. I will master excel spread sheets. Oh yes!...

"Have you been to the Center, yet?" she asked as if this ominous Center loomed in my memories.
"The... CENTER?" I replied. Obviously I wondered if it was some testing facility. We'd just been talking about the concept of ethics and requirements for using humans as subjects in a test (for the National School Climate Survey, which you must take if you are an under represented young person.
"Yes, the Center. [pause] The LGBT Center in Manhattan. You have to go!" My heart jumped. According to the Youth Program on the site, there are weekly meetings and discussion groups, movies -- and people! And... Free Popcorn. I'm a sucker for butter and salt.

Like I said, this city seems strangely detached for as many people that live here. It's amazing how many people I see in one day, and the proportion of conversations I have with them! My ideal moment is to be on the subway, reading my book -- Nice Big American Baby -- and have someone comment on how they've read it before, and for us to discuss how amazing and inspiring these stories are!

In the mean time, I'm trying to finagle a way for Jake to come visit. He's never been to the city, and I'm excited to see how he takes it all in; for a man who's traveled the world, I wonder if he'll feel right at home. In a way, Jake being here will give me an excuse to indulge in some of the touristy things I've been wanting to do, but not alone.

I desperately need to do my homework. I'm thinking about taking it to work and then going to pier after work and working on it. Work. Work. Work. It's certainly a way to make a living. Dolly Parton would be proud of me.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** WATCH 30 ROCK AND VISIT THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER.
** ORDER A BACON CHEESE BURGER TO INDULGE IN YOUR CARNIVOROUS SIDE.
** LAUGH WITH YOUR CO-WORKERS.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE SOMEONE LOOKING AT YOU.
** CARRY AROUND A LEAKY WATER BOTTLE.
** FORGET YOUR LUNCH AT HOME.

Harry Hay My Hero!

2009-07-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

Today my fingers cramped from typing. I promised myself, "Finish it and I'll let you go eat!" I ate. I ate splendidly!

I embark on my first full week at GLSEN. The notion scares me because I cannot gauge whether they have too much work for me, or not enough! I'm unsure of whether or not I qualify to be working on the projects that they are working on, and yet again find myself stumbling in my grassroots feet - bare and free of formalities, methods, and protocols. The opportunity, though magnificent, is making me anxious; can Conrad really get down and dirty with real non-profits, and contribute to a movement of calculated steps? Do it!

Fortunately the people at GLSEN are amazing! Today I slightly niedered away from my work to chat with Lauren and Matthew about oh-nothings and this-and-that. Real people interactions are not being taken for granted, and will be reported as stupendous occasions in this blog!

While at GLSEN, I received an email! "What kind of email?" you might ask. An email from my Brooklyn friend, Dan. He so generously invited me to come to a free screening of "Hope Among the Wing", a biographical documentary on the life and work of Harry Hay, the (in)famous founder of the Mattachine Society. I want to show this feature to Spectrum, and revel in the similarities that groups founded years ago mirror the mission and aspirations of groups today. What I loved most about this film was Hay's own favorite: young people approaching him and reaching out to him for love, and confiding that his work, his activism, saved them. Hay responded in an awkward way by receiving it as a compliment. However, my mind immediately jumped to when people say similar things to me, and all I can think to say is, "You saved yourself! I'm glad you're here."

The experience was overwhelmingly fantastic. Though my sandwich I made Dan was rejected (he cannot eat wheat), a chance to bond with a small intimate group of like minded people (or at least be around them and listen to what they have to say) was rejuvenating. It's funny. I don't think about things like this happening in Knoxville as all that emotionally fulfilling or somehow groundbreakingly refreshing, but I will.

My last revelation of the day is that I'm not famous. No one knows me. How weird! Knoxville has created this tight knit little bubble around me that makes a lot of everyone approach me and want to know me, and it's overwhelmingly. However, now I want to seek comfort in that omnipresence of someone. Here, you take what you can get, but NYC, how do you give back? If that's one thing missing in this place, it's the sense that I am able to give back or create something for the community. I'm but a breeze blowing through the city. Sigh.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** HELP OLDER WOMEN WHO CANNOT DEAL WITH THEIR NEW CARETAKER.
** SHOW OFF YOU'RE DESK PHOTO OF YOUR PARTNER TO YOUR CO-WORKERS.
** EXPLORE SIDE STREETS YOU THINK ARE SHORTCUTS, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE NOT.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** IMPULSE BUY: BROWNIE MIX.
** ACT LIKE A RATTLE SNAKE ON A SKETCH STREET WITH YOUR KEYS AND WATER BOTTLE.
** GET LOST ON CRYSTIE STREET/ CHINA TOWN (AGAIN).

A Quiet Testimonial to My Existence

2009-07-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

The sun wakes me up in the morning. It drowns my room with the rising day.

I contemplate whether or not to rise with the day. The thought of sleeping in is appealing, but so is lifting my body and greeting NYC with a smile. I chose the latter, and trek down to 3rd Ave and 15th street for Quaker Meeting.

The meeting was... The meeting was a miserable experience. I found myself focusing on my spirit, but then immediately finding priority in "matters of consequence" such as, "OMG when am I going to get that biology homework done?!" or "Am I going to Emory? Am I going to Columbia? Why am I going anywhere?!" My resolution was to book it and find a spot at Marie's to work on my government and econ. assignments for the day.

Thankfully I took a deep breath and saw the beauty of the sun; always waking me up for a new approach. I whimsically decided to take the L to 6th, transfer to the 1, walk up Whitehall/Broadway, withdraw some cash, take the 1 back uptown, and get off at Christopher Street for an afternoon on the pier. Oh yes, I've mastered the subways (1, A, C, L, and D).

The rest of the day was spent at Marie's. I've been filling time with internet, texting, and of course listening to the wonderful stories of Marie Runyon. The woman is a treasure chest! Way better than 30 Rock (sorry Tina!).

All the while I think I may have talked for a total time of 20 minutes through out the entire day. My mind is bursting at the seams with things to say, but who to say them too. My silence and presence in quiet is truly a testimonial to my individual existence within myself. Though I love to interact and engage with people, the time spent in thought is time spent finding someone to satisfy all those needs in house: me.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** BE SPONTANEOUS. GO INTO THAT SEX STORE WITH ALL THE LEATHER.
** EAT BARBEQUE CHICKEN PIZZA TO REMIND YOU OF ATLANTA AND JAKE.
** SIT AT THE END OF THE PIER AND SING ALONG TO B-52's.
** BLEND IN AND BE ASKED TO TAKE TOURISTS' PHOTOS.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** GO INTO THAT SEX STORE WITH ALL THE LEATHER.
** SUNBURN.
** RIDE THE SAME SUBWAY AS THE SAME CRAZY MAN TWICE IN A ROW.
** MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE IN A BLANK STARE.

Brooklyn Is For Friends

2009-07-04T21:39:00.000-07:00

It's hard to make friends in Manhattan; how do you just start talking to someone with no context of doing so? You might be eying each other and giving each other, "I wish I were talking to you" looks, but no -- talking to one another is far to scary. That first step is everything!

This is why Brooklyn exists.

Brooklyn exists to provide a space for cute hipster kids to get together and move around and dance to amazing music. Thanks to a man known as Brook Pridemore, I was invited to attend an all day festivity at the Brooklyn Tea House. This literally went on from 1:40 p.m. until now. I just got back an hour ago, hence the lateness of my post (sorry Tyra!).

Unlike the Knoxville scene, these cool kids are more adults. I had a harder time fitting in and finding a spot, but I can tell you this: it was very relieving to be able to talk to someone, and show emotion, -- and be myself! I met this one girl, Deahna (dee-nuh), who then introduced me to everyone else I would need to meet. Namely Dan, a queer radical guy. He and I chatted for an hour or so. Yay! Everything just seemed to fall together. Even though I wasn't and am not friends with of these characters, I can tell you that I felt very comfortable to be there. Betsy, a small feisty girl, plays the Uke and jumps around screaming. Viv in this awesome pirate girl in suspenders with an attitude, but she's really goofy and nice anyway. Dibs is just funny. I don't know what to say! There's so many cool people. Except this one guy with a mustache was literally wearing the same outfit as me; it was beyond embarrassing. I smiled at him.

Some music that you should check out? Oh, of course!

Brook Pridemore
Ching Chong Song
Urban Barnyard
Old Hat
Phoebe Kreutz
Preston Spurlock
Joe Crow Ryan

At the end of everything, a few of us rose to a rendition of the national anthem. It caught on, and by the middle people were just screaming, "AND THE ROCKETS' RED GLARE!" The fireworks were spectacular! It was just orb after orb of light and... fire? I thought the Empire State Building was a goner, but it seems to have managed.

Independence day? Fitting. Happy anniversary, parents!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** DANCE YOUR HEART OUT TO THE MUSICAL SAW.
** WATCH FIREWORKS FROM A ROOF TOP.
** CHALLENGE YOUR FEARS AND STAY OUT LATE; PUBLIC TRANSIT VIOLENCE DOESN'T HAPPEN UNTIL MUCH LATER.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** ALLOW THE SUN TO EXIST SO EARLY.
** NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING A BED FOR THE NIGHT.
** NOT TAKING YOUR DAILY PILL (MAYBE.).

Excursion

2009-07-03T18:54:00.000-07:00

Bagel. Cream Cheese. Strawberry Jam. My morning is complete. Priceless.

This morning I woke up to my favorite caretaker, Katrina, yelling at Marie. It was delightful! Ron and I had breakfast, and we chatted with Marie some about the organization Act Up. Apparently Marie loved the organization, and at one point danced in the street with them. She's so dear. Today, when I got home, she and I sat down and talked for a good while. Her memory is so sharp and her descriptions so vivid. I felt as if I was actually chillin' with Pete Seeger. Amazing.

MoMA was spectacular! I've decided Modern Art isn't for me, but I do appreciate early interpretations like Picasso, Van Gough, Cezanne, Seurat, and Matisse. For instance, Van Gough's Stary Night. When you see pieces like this, it's almost unreal. You're standing and thinking to yourself, "This is what it's all about; this is where art comes from today!" To me, it's interesting because when you see what inspires so many artists today, it seems to clarify more modern art, -- and give it some sort of context for existing!

Afterward, I got lost.

Eventually, I found myself on Crosby Street walking towards an amazing book store reminiscent of an old library and McKay. I ate my first Knish (a pastry with potato filling). I really liked the texture, but mine tasted like sweet potato so it was disgusting. I'll try one from a vendor.

I found my way away from Cafe Bookstore and back onto Christopher Street Pier. Unlike yesterday, there were tons of people sun-bathing in the grass. When I say people, I really mean mostly 30-40 year old gay men in speedos. I went to the end of the pier, away from the grass, and read my book: Nice Big American Baby by Judy Budnitz. It's 12 short stories written in the same kind of style as Proust, Sedaris, and Levithan. I appreciate it immensely, and found myself nearly crying after the first story.

Finally, on my way home, I became alarmingly aware of how cold and distant I must be coming off. In this fit of self-revelation, I've resolved to be myself, but understand when I might be putting said self into a vulnerable situation. For instance, I was about to engage this man by giving him some change on the subway, but he started yelling to the entire car about his mental insanity and how he needed money for clothes. No thanks.

Tomorrow, Marie and I are attending a reading of the Constitution in Central Park. From there I will go and spend the day in Brooklyn with Brooke Pridemore! I'm so lucky.

Wish me luck!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** BUY NICE BIG AMERICAN BABY AND READ IT ON THE PIER IN THE SUN AND BREEZE.
** BUY 3$ MEXICAN LUCHA WRESTLING MASKS WRAPPING PAPER.
** LISTEN TO THE BLOW.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** LOOK LIKE A TOURIST.
** LOOK LIKE A NEW YORKER.
** PASS UP VENDOR FOOD.

Christopher Street Nostalgia

2009-07-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

When I came home today, I put curry powder in my black beans, and it really spiced things up. I mean, it was still black beans, but I had the distinct impression of eating something from Sitar.

Waking up to construction sucks. Especially when your alarm goes off and you can't hear it because the jack hammers are just that cool. I was not enthused.
On a positive note, GLSEN work is going great! I have to admit, this is serious business. I like to think my strengths lie in grass roots organizing and youth outreach. However, this job has me outreaching to high-ups, and... researching. It's definitely a great learning process. At the core of which are some fabulous people: Liz, Sam, and Maria are phenomenal, and very patient. I was able to pull through for the team relatively fast, and made two connections in our project that we were having troubles making. Go Conrad!

After work, I trained to Christopher Street. For those of you acclimated to NYC, you'll know the first thing I saw when I walked out of the station: Stonewall Inn! Unfortunately, it's 21 and up. An older gay man helped me figure this out, and then helped me figure out where the Christopher Street Pier is. I feel kind of bad for ditching him, but I'm not gonna' lie -- he was lookin' for something more than the Pier.

Hanging out on the Pier was an especially moving experience. The controversy around gentrification and kicking LGBT youth of color out of the neighborhood is such a local problem, yet I felt so connected to the those feelings as I enjoyed the brief sun and rumbling water. Where else are we supposed to go when there's no where else to go? Interrupting my thoughts was a massive rainstorm, which lead to a condensed group of people under one awning. As I huddled with patrons of the pier under the small white pavilion, I felt a sense of comradeship with my New York brothers and sisters; being LGBT really is more than the individual: we are a community everywhere. Maybe that's why they're scared of us!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** DO WHAT'S EASIEST FIRST; IT MIGHT SAVE YOU A TON OF TIME.
** WATCH THE HUDSON WHILE IT'S RAINING.
** LISTEN TO SAM WHEN HE TELLS YOU WHERE TO EAT. MEDITERANIAN FAJITA!

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE OBJECTIFIED BY GAY MEN STANDING OUTSIDE "THE RAM ROD" BAR.
** TAKE SHELTER IN A SEX SHOP.
** WORRY ABOUT OLD PEOPLE.

There are No Fireflies in the City

2009-07-01T18:46:00.001-07:00

The black night breeze blows through my window. I'm redirected to the skyline of a city with everything imaginable; a city full to the brim of opportunity and chances and dead ends and endless nights. I'm staring into the twinkle of adjacent apartment lights and street lamps and the occasional air plane full of people ready to be on solid ground.

Where are my mountains? Where are my oak trees taller than the buildings? Where are the porch swings and the ropes hanging from trees? Where is the chirping of Cicadas and the glow of fireflies? These too are life experiences worth having; completely removed yet present with yourself and your surroundings: carefree.

I cannot tell you about the content of my GLSEN internship due to confidentiality reasons, but I can tell you that this opportunity will not go wasted; I'm utilizing my presence in the office, and making myself very useful, I hope, to the Research Department. To say the least, I'm excited to see a spread sheet of everything I'll have worked on and completed.

Tomorrow I'm planning on going on a walking tour in the East Village and befriending some hipster kids. Wish me luck!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** SPEND THE EVENING WATCHING 30 ROCK.
** HAVE YOUR FIRST DEPARTMENT MEETING.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** EAT NON-STOP: CRACKERS + PEANUTBUTTER, COOKIES, BAKED PASTA, BAGEL + CREAM CHEESE + JAM
** TAKE THE WRONG SUBWAY EXIT.

NYC: A Complete Mess!

2009-06-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to my first full day in NYC! How exciting! My routine at Marie's is simple: wake up, deconstruct my bed and reassemble the couch, take a shower, change clothes, eat breakfast, and head out the door! Thanks to the help of a dear family friend, Joel, I'll be walking a short distance to the Columbia University Station and taking the 1 train (local) all the way down to South Ferry.

Unbeknown to me, lower Manhattan is extremely small! What seemed like five blocks on a map turned into less than one in real life; GLSEN (90 Broad Street) is within eyesight of South Ferry! Sorry to sound super excited, but the truth of the matter is that the easier this city becomes for me, the more I appreciate the complexities that really exist.

For instance, I'm sitting in the one train. The train stops and all of a sudden a Mariachi band boards and starts singing and playing guitar - and it's perfect! Seeing as this never spontaneously occurs in Knoxville, I burst out into laughter and applause while all the locals seem more entertained by my response; interesting dynamics that the tourist becomes the attraction!

Another example is when your very own Conrad Honicker enters the financial district. When I say the financial district, I'm talking Wall Street's finest! Suits, ties, the works. I'm present in a cute combination of teal H&M short shorts and a white button V-neck with thin navy stripes - you'd have thought those people were about to lose their cool!

Finally, when I exit the subway at 125th from the D train, it's pouring rain. Apparently, when it's lightening and thundering and raining cats and dogs, pedestrians are still treated like wild animals trying to cross the street; taxi's honking, buses honking, and even real live people in cars honking at you when you're being drowned by a storm!

Fortunately, GLSEN is amazing. Today I did some follow up work with Eliza Byard, the Executive Director, and Daryl Presgraves, that involved writing three thank you letters explaining my gratitude and giving my spiel one last time to the Obamas and one of his senior advisers. With Daryl, I worked with an amazing intern named Kyle who interviewed me about the White House event.

Afterwords I adventured to this wonderful little bookstore called Bluestockings in the Lower East Side where I peruse DIY books and found a comfortable queer radical safe space.

Tonight I came home and bought groceries. After I cooked my meal, I went to return something to the refrigerator and my stuff was moved to the icky nasty bottom part and a sign was placed over the other food saying, "DON'T EAT FROM HERE!!!" I calmly cleaned out the shelf, organized my food, and wrote a sign that said, "Conrad's Nook (Please ask before using)" and then replied to the earlier sign with, "I wouldn't dream of it!". The roommate here is a little territorial and protective of Marie. I think he's lovely, but I'm getting some slight tension. To his credit, Marie did not speak with him about me coming, and he has family coming in, which he was going to have sleep where I'm sleeping. Let's just say I'm going to make no extra trouble for him, and even take up some chores like walking the dog and "contributing to the Marie family" as he explained.

I cannot wait for tomorrow: wish me luck!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** BEFIREND THE CARETAKER OF THE WOMAN YOU'RE STAYING WITH AND MAKE HER SUPPER.
** RUN IN THE RAIN.
** SMILE AND NOD WHEN INCONVIENCING PEOPLE.
** SUPPORT LOCAL MARIACHIS WITH QUARTERS AND DIMES.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** SIT NEXT TO LOUD OBNOXIOUS GIRLS ON THE CROWDED SUBWAY.
** GET LOST IN CHINA TOWN.
** CROSS FOUR LANE TRAFFIC AGAINST THE LIGHT.
** ASSUME EVERYONE IS FROM HERE.

Obama Cooties

2009-06-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

In the hustle and bustle of New York City this morning, I lost my keys. Everyone look for them.

More importantly, I met the President, Barack Obama, and his wife, the First Lady, Michelle Obama.

Eliza, Eve, and I took the shuttle plane to D.C. I strongly discourage ever doing this because it was one of the most terrifying landings, and the weather was perfect! Fortunately, we survived, and were able to meet my parents for a long lunch at Cafe du Porc, where I sheepishly ordered Pommes Frites and sauteed vegetables. Before hand we'd made an overly dressed visit to the Museum of Native Americans, where I learned that skateboarding and surfing are Native in heritage.

Before I go on, I want to say that I was wearing a crisp white shirt rolled quarter-length, a black vest, black fitted dress pants, a silver and navy stripped bow-tie, and my silver leather dress shoes with James Dean on the bottom!

After lunch we casually walked to the White House with a group called Seniors Advocating in a Gay Environment (SAGE), and met up with the rest of the reception outside the gates by the East Room. There we mingled in the heat with rich gay people and prominent gay rights activist. Notably, I was introduced to Gene Robinson - one my dearest heros. He was fabulous!

When in the White House we mingled some more before being ushered into the "Green Room" (which is green), and lined up to meet the President. At this point I was forcing myself to breathe; "I'm on a mission!" I kept thinking to myself. On entry into the room, I heard Obama's poignant and comforting voice greet me. His handshake was firm. Instantly, "Hello Mr. President! Thank you for being a visible ally for teens like me." No real response, and then:

"Those are THE coolest shoes that have ever been in the White House!"

No time to think about compliments from the President. He wasn't listening so I moved to Michelle who I feel I might have fallen into her embrace (which makes sense because this was called a "clutch"). I told her how important it was for her and her husband to stand up and be allies, and she commented that it was far more important that I keep doing the work I was doing, and I said, "Yes, but it would make the difference if you were visible!"

Snap. Picture taken. My clarion call to action was over in less than 45 seconds. My parents and I delivered our message and huddled outside the room giggling like children.

I run into the East Room as soon as I hear his voice; Barack Obama is delivering his reception speech. He spoke so eloquently and realistically, and accommodated for someone's "gay duck" ring tone to go off with humor and laughter. His promise was this, "LGBT people will appreciate and find strength from him by the end of the administration." He didn't ask us to be patient, and he acknowledged not doing anything now will hurt real peoples' lives, but that this should serve as evidence of the urgency of the issue. I HOPE he knows what he's doing, and I do have a feeling he will come through with what he says.

It's back to mingle time! During this time I introduce myself to State Senator of Connecticut, Andrew J. McDonald, and Secretary of State of Oregon, Kate Brown, who both seemed interested in my person. Yay!

Finally, Michelle and Barack were off - no more mingling for them. I smiled and waved and mouthed, "Thank you!" to Michelle, and without missing a beat, she opened her arms for a hug, and beckoned me to her; I swiftly fell into her arms, and whispered one last time, "Thank you for being an ally - it means the world to me!"

And my White House experience was a success. As Senator McDonald imprinted on my mind that view of the Thomas Jefferson Memorial staring out of the windows of that White House, I do look forward to returning.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** FIND COMFORT IN THE FIRST LADY'S AFFECTION.
** TAKE RISKS AND WEAR CLOTHES THAT STAND OUT; CLOTHES THAT PEOPLE CAN'T RESIST COMMENTING ON.
** LOOK CUTE AND GAY AND SMILE SO THAT PEOPLE TALK TO YOU.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** SPIT ON IMPORTANT PEOPLE BY ACCIDENT.
** ORDER A SHIRLEY TEMPLE AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
** TALK TO TAXI DRIVERS.

Sweatin' to the Oldies!

2009-06-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

The train ride here to NYC was a jostle that left my mind a jar to float in and out of my dreams and gratitude. Whether it was thinking of Jake and talking to Jeremy, or thanking the woman who grabbed and ran with my suitcase so that I wouldn't miss my train, the time was full of thought.

Not two hours later I was careening through NYC subways; scrambling with two heavy suit cases going uptown. When I made it to the A train, I let out a sigh of relief and sat atop my giant pink luggage and twiddled my thumbs. It was truly a sight to see, and I wish someone had taken my photograph.

Little did I know, the trek from the subway to Marie's would nearly kill me: 100 + steps, the hot sun, and getting lost. It was miserable! I must have looked pitiful, and as if I could break after the next step.

Marie is pleasantly crazy. She greeted me with sincere enthusiasm, which I met with smiles and hugs. Her assistant, Kataleena, has become my liaison to the works of this apartment, and I thank her for it; Marie is short of sight and hearing, and is therefore a giant ball of beautiful quirks to untangle. Forcing her Swiss and mayonnaise sandwich on me, sticking me in the most open room, and treating me as if I'm put out by her; she's really a dear, that woman. I hope we become besties!

I walked down 125th today after stopping for a break. H&M was my target, but I ended up experiencing other things as well. In addition to the sea foam bubble short shorts I bought, I conquered the busy streets like a pro (which you need to be!). I witnessed Harlem mourn the death of a star, and I watched the perpetual capitalism that must take place to sustain these street vendors; may I just throw it out there that these people make their life's means by vending? It's ridiculous; how do you make enough money to support yourself from selling flavored ice, roasted pea nuts, Michael Jackson memorabilia, knock off clothing, and cell phone cases? I'm amazed, and somewhat awestruck.

There's a beautiful crepery near here. I had a chicken (no vegetarian dinner option) with ratatouille. It was divine; they served water from a wine glass, and I sat by a small mosaic table absorbing the french life.

The breeze is delightful. There's no AC, and the temperature is perfect.

I'm generally content. Part of me wants to go home. However, I'm giving it the boot. I'm simply tired, nervous, and anxious about tomorrow. Do wish me luck!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** SHOP AT H&M IF YOU'RE TINY.
** CROSS THE STREET AND LOOK LOCAL.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** WALK THROUGH THE PARK AT NIGHT FRUSTRATED.
** PSYCHE YOURSELF OUT ABOUT MEETING OBAMA.

Poor Kids Unite!

2009-06-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

6:45 a.m. my day begins. I greet the morning light with enthusiasm, and gaily change into my classic deep-v, dark Levi's, and a cute scarf. Shortly after, Abuela has left me to explore the world across from Commons, the entrance to the Quest Bridge Prep Scholarship Conference at Yale University.

The first thing I notice? Everyone is wearing a button down shirt with a tie, or a dress , or something business/formal. As I expected, and was assured through out the day, these low-income students were more "high-achieving" kids, awkward and elite, who liked to stick up their noses just like they actually go to these name brand schools; obviously it's not money that makes some people feel so superior. There were a few down to Earth teens, but far too few.

Registration. Breakfast. Spilling coffee all over someone's binder. I made friends.

"I think you mean 'contraction'," echoed in the first workshop when I said "conjunction" in regards to what-not-to-do in your personal statement. Fortunately, the rest of the workshop and those after were a breeze. I quickly befriended Ellison (an awesome girl in SC) and Nancy (a crazy hipster chic, valedictorian, and instant cuddle buddy from MA) , who accompanied me to workshops such as "Financial Aid" and "How to Apply". Let me say this: it was very useful and helpful information that should be available to all students. However, the real ticket was meeting college admissions officers; I was the cause of an argument between Emory and Columbia, the interest of Parson's, and a breath of fresh air to Pomona, Haverford, and Vasser. Sorry Bowdowin, you suck. Williams College did entice me with their answer to, "Is there a queer presence on your campus?": "Oh yes! We have Queer Bash!", which was later described as an event where everyone (gay and straight) gets together, takes off their clothes, blasts techno music, and dances to gay porn in the semi-dark.
Then I got lost in ghetto.

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** BEFRIEND PEOPLE WHO LOVE CONTRACTIONS WITH SOUL.
** EXPLORE AND BRANCH OUT WHEN LOOKING AT THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE. ** GIVE CLEAN BINDERS TO OTHERS WHEN YOU SOIL THEIR BINDER.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** TAKE THE D BUS WHEN YOU MEAN THE B BUS.
** GET LOST WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN A MEETING.
** NOT BUY SHORTS BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'LL LOOK EASY.

Bumpity-Bump-Bump-Bump

2009-06-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

A shake to the left, a shake to the right, and quick dip down low had my heart beating and my hands clenched! I was taken back to the trip to Houston where I was thrown from side to side, up and down, and then a very long dive downward: traumatizing. Eventually, after seeing that no one was reacting like I was, I said,

"Enough. It's time to turn your fears into something else!"

As a child I was always afraid of shadows coming from the light behind my bedroom door. When I complained to my aunt, she quickly told me to close my eyes, open them, and change the shape of the monsters. Thus, creepers lurking in my room became laughing goats. Today I turned the tussle between wind and plane into the gentle and playful movements of a rocking chair with a child in it.

Not 8-9 hours later (and two transfers) I was surrounded by people I love eating mashed potato pizza!

My friend Diego and I met at the Young Leaders Planned Parenthood Conference in Houston. We pretty much hit it off instantly, and now I'm staying in his house with his wonderful family who have already accepted me with laughter, questions, and admiration; I couldn't ask for a better place to spend my first night. Abuela and I talk about matters of consequence and toothpaste hand gestures interchangeably with the littlest, Silvio, who loves to draw and ask and talk, while Diego and his slightly younger brother bicker and argue and laugh and make me laugh. They are a beautiful people.

Tomorrow I wake for Yale. Wish me luck!

CONRAD'S MUST-DO'S:
** EAT AT BAR IN NEW HAVEN, CT.
** SMILE AT PEOPLE SITTING NEXT TO YOU AND BOND OVER YOUR DRINKS.

CONRAD'S MUST-NOT'S:
** DRINK COFFEE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.
** IMAGINE CRASHING WHILE FLYING.

Hold your breath!

2009-06-25T22:07:00.001-07:00

A beautifully illustrated Bible plays desk for me.

I'm embarking on an adventure; the first steps take me through a whirl wind of questions, concerns, and hopes for my travels. It's like taking the steps up onto the big rock at the quarry before plunging into the icy depths of the green-blue world. I'm not committed until I jump, and then it's all-in! I never jump, but now's a good time to start.

As with many quests, this one has a goal. Or two. Or it's a little more complex than that! Beyond the obvious fulfillment of my research internship at GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network), I yearn to grow and stretch my arms into this world. I want to meet amazing people who will open doors and sing songs for me. I want to encounter independence, and give that a fair shot. I want to find my abilities, and challenge my boundaries. Above all, I want to garner a new kind of respect; knowing myself.

I'll keep all the interesting stuff well posted. I cannot imagine all the crazy things there is for me to see! On that note, I'll see, and you read.

STAY TUNED FOR:
** YALE CONFERENCE!
** NYC PRIDE!
** WHITE HOUSE VISIT!
** GLSEN!
** PLANNED PARENTHOOD & D.C.
** MARIE!
** NYC!
** P-TOWN